R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Find out what it means to me.
Respect really does mean different things to different
people. To some groups,
re-tweeting someone’s clever comment is a way to show you value and respect
their opinion. To others, respect
might be shown in your attire or your body language. There are generational differences in showing respect and I
fear these differences are contributing in a breakdown in mutual understanding
between generations.
As a professor at a community college, I get to see plenty
of disrespectful behavior. It is
largely up to me to decide what behavior I will ignore, what I will tolerate,
and what I will do about the rest of it.
If students wear pajamas or come to class with uncombed hair, I ignore
it. But it is hard for me to avoid
judging them, I admit. It seems to
me that dressing like that says they don’t want to be there, they are too busy
for this class, they don’t think the class is important, and they don’t care
what I think of them. They are not
showing respect, as I define it.
This is not a behavior I try to change because I have bigger fish to
fry. But I wonder if the students
even know they are showing disrespect?
I am sure they would say they didn’t mean to, and that clothes don’t
matter. They are just outward
things. What should matter is how
they do on the test. Well, trust
me, the students who can’t get cleaned up for class generally can’t get their
act together to do well on the tests, although there are a few exceptions.
If these students really don’t know how to dress for class
and what messages they are sending when they fail to do so, how will they show
respect when they WANT to do so?
By wearing flip flops to the White House? If they need to go to a funeral, the most serious and formal
of events in our culture, will they know what to wear? Or how to act? Will they know how to show respect when
they actually want to be respectful?
I have a sinking feeling they won’t. My husband recently attended a memorial service where other
people wore jeans. (And, no, they
were not the ones digging the grave.)
Jeans, people? Really? What does that say about your attitude
toward the bereaved? I think it
says: “I care enough to show up, but not enough to dust off my one suit and
suck in my gut long enough to be respectful of the solemnity of this
occasion. Oh, and I’m going out
for beer and wings afterwards.” If
this isn’t the message you want to send, then wear something else. What message would wearing a dark suit
or dress send? Something like “I care
a lot about your loss and your feelings.
I am willing to go to the small trouble of dressing myself properly as a
token of my esteem for the life that has ended and for your religious
traditions. I know how to behave
and don’t want to draw attention to myself on this serious occasion.”
What about weddings?
These are much less solemn events, but they can be just about as
formal. People clearly do not know
how to dress for these, either. We
won’t even get into the whole wearing tuxedos before 5 pm thing. I mean stuff like wearing white when
you are not the bride. To me, and
I think to the bride, too, it says “I don’t care that this is the most special
day of your life up to this point.
I don’t care about your feelings or about it being your day to shine. I want to wear whatever the hell I want
and get all the attention that should be rightfully yours. Screw you!” Okay, this may not be the message you mean to send, but I
can just about guarantee that it is the message the bride will be getting. Maybe this is why I am still slightly
pissed off that my mother-in-law to be wore off white to my wedding. I still think she doesn’t like me very
much, and her suit that day really didn’t help to change my mind.
Why are clothes so important? They are the first and loudest message you can send to
someone. But there are other ways
to show respect and disrespect, too.
I recently performed at a school carnival with my dance troupe. Some of the audience members were
amazingly rude. Two people in the
middle of the front row texted on their phones the entire time. Somehow, I doubt they were texting
“OMG! Awesome belly dancing going
on!” And even if they were, their
behavior was still inappropriate. Watching
a live dancer or musician is not the same as watching TV. It puts some responsibilities on
you. You are supposed to look at
the performer, not at a tiny screen.
You are supposed to look like you are enjoying yourself, not like you
are a brain dead zombie. You are
required to clap politely or wildly, depending on your inclination. In certain forms of dance and music you
are expected to yell, hoot, nod, keep time, or throw money. If you want to attend these events, do
what you are supposed to do. If
you want to pick your nose (I swear I am not making this up) or play Candy
Crush on your phone, stay home and watch TV.
Oh, you ARE paying attention to the performers? You just don’t look like you are? Tough cookies, people. It is part of your job as an audience
member to look like you are paying attention. Yep, you have a duty as a participant in the live
performance. That’s part of the
deal. Even clapping is not
enough.
I had the pleasure of going to a ballet performance at IU
this past weekend, too. I was
mostly impressed with the attire and behavior of the audience, which included
small children and quite a few high school and college students. Most of them were dressed up and
clapped with great enthusiasm. Of
course, a few people played with their phones while the performance was going
on. Trust me, people, the WHOLE
cast can see your glowing screen and it IS hurting their feelings.
Earlier that same day, one member of my dance troupe was so
upset by the rude audience that she could hardly finish the performance. We scrapped the audience participation
part of our program because we were so pissed off. This audience wasn’t willing to put on the effort to look at
us, why would we think they would be willing to get up and dance with us? Think how much worse it would feel to
be on stage, busting your butt for these people, and to look out at the
darkened theater to see 5 or 6 glowing screens because they are so bored they
can’t stand to wait 5 minutes to screw around on their phones!
I cannot swear to it, but I kind of have a sinking suspicion
that the people who were at the ballet and wearing short-short denim cut offs
and flannel shirts with holes were the same people who were texting during the
performance. Because their clothes
said “I don’t give a shit about the performance or the performers.” And their phones did, too.
Is it any wonder I don’t let my students use their phones in
my class?
