Feeling Devalued -- Personal Demons or Reflection?

I'm a full-time writer now and that was both an easy and a difficult thing for me to do.

Easy to become a full-time author because I've always written.  In my childhood scrapbook my mother created I have my earliest short story from just when I was barely able to write, not my telling about my summer but an actual fictional work.  It was easy because even when I shouldn't have been writing I was constantly pulled into writing by my internal voices or Muses as artists like to say.

It was difficult to become a full-time writer  because it pulled me out of society and away from people.  I would have to make an effort to be around and with people.  That can feel forced and artificial but I do try.  But it was also very difficult because suddenly I would like immediate or even timely feedback.  Furthermore income as a writer is spotting and since I'm not a professional writer in the sense that I'll write anything to get paid, I get paid far less often than I might.

Sometimes like this week I feel devalued, underappreciated, and wonder if any of this is worth my time.  This is dangerous for me because I do have a history of suicidal thoughts. Of course that assumes you think having such thoughts is dangerous is that acting on them is wrong in the first place.  I'm told it is wrong and dangerous but to be honest, I don't necessarily agree.

So this is what is going on recently that may be contributing to these feelings.  Just so you know, I am aware of counters for each of these yet right now those counters feel more like lies to me that reality.

First I only have two conventions planned this year -- I've pulled back for economic and logistical reasons but this makes the few I have very important emotionally. I knew I wouldn't sale much at the last one without a new book I can physically sell but knowing didn't soften the emotional blow.  The other convention is in September right before my birthday and if that doesn't go well it could be emotionally very dangerous in a way I'll agree is dangerous.

Second even though I've recently marked a big milestone on The Chocolate Cult I've gotten only one comment on this on the blog itself and little feedback elsewhere.  What is the point of going through all the steps I do when no one cares enough to just say "this is awesome" or "I'm glad I stopped in to read today" or a similar thought.  Whenever I read something online I always leave a note of some type because I know how lonely it can be.

Third I've been sharing the betaed chapters of the first book in my next series and not getting much feedback though what I have gotten is helpful and the dialogue is good.  I've got a gamma editor lined up to go over the entire thing to look for plot or character problems -- a step I've never taken before -- before I even send it to my literary agent.  I'm sharing parts of myself and not getting much back until yesterday and today when suddenly a reader replies to five chapters... a bit too late for me to make any changes before my gamma has it, right?

Fourth I need to go through the last edits for this book chapter but I'm not feeling it even though they are probably nothing.  Last time I heard none of the other chapters were in for the first edit so why should I bust myself to hurry? Why can't others be on the ball? Why do I have to be the reliable one? Why can't I be one of the reliable ones?

Finally the last book in my trilogy came out and while I got kudos for the announcement the vast majority of my attempts to do any real promo stuff such as find reviewers has been met with silence.  I've seen my announcement shared once and yet every other day I'm sharing similar announcements from other writers and artists -- this feels very unfair to me and it is making me angry.

As often happens when I get angry that turns inward.  There must be something wrong with me that lets people ignore me.  What is it? I'm a dominant in charge lady in my house, I'm often the organizer of my friends and family when I was around them.  What the hell is happening to me?

It makes me feel and think things that I'm told are bad and dangerous but that actually just makes me feel these things more strongly.

Old Maid Is a Children's Game

When I was a girl we used to play this card game called "Old Maid." You win the game by always being able to make a pair of matching cards on your turn until you have no more cards in your hand. You lose by being the only player with a card left; the one unmatched card.

As a young girl it was just a game. I never really thought about the message of the game. The implication: don't be left unmatched.

However, that changed as I grew older. It's almost impossible in this society not to get the message. We are geared to believe everyone must be married or in a relationship. Furthermore, you must have kids. It's the predominant message. Movies, ads, magazines, news stories, religion, politic and families all send out that message; "pair up and have kids."

Whether by choice or by circumstance those of us not in relationship and who are child free find we are that card. Sometimes it feels like "we're" losing. Well at least to me. I don't feel like I'm losing at life, just at some sort of game I don't remember agreeing to play.

Recently I had to go home for a family event. Finally someone asks me point blank, "Are you going to be an Old Maid?" Really? I mean I always suspected that was the whispering behind my back. I guess on one hand I'm kind of relieved it was said out loud but why does it matter? I know my marital status. It's obvious in a sea of kids, grandkids and spouses when I walk into a family function with none of those. If there's a change, I'll tell you.

Within that same week, had family member take issue with something I posted on Facebook. Now usually when that happens it has something to do with politics. I'm much more progressive then a swath of my family. Yet, this time the offending post was over a bit of humor involving a PR prank and a "devil baby."

I realize I can sometimes have a dark sense of humor. Maybe working at a haunted house a few Octobers didn't help any. However, I don't think the video was offensive enough to be told it was "horrible and if I had children I would understand just how horrible."

So here's where my blog becomes more rant than rational. I mean look, ok, I don't have children. I get it. I know there are things I will never truly comprehend or understand in this world. I mean it's kind of like when I was a virgin. Up until I actually had sex, I didn't really get all the sex jokes.

However, I don't have to be told that. I don't spend my time telling you don't understand my life! I mean being single and divorced with grown kids is not like not having been married nor having kids. But hey, since shoving it my face maybe I should shove back So here I go.

When you are child free, yeah, you have a lot of time on your hands. And when you are child free and single, you have even more freedom. But being single also comes with responsibilities. If there's laundry to get done. Who does it? You. House needs cleaned, who does it? You. Bills? You're the only bread winner. Lawn needs mowed. Yep you...Or you hire someone to do it. You hear a bump the night? There's no one to go send out to investigate but yourself. You get sick and need Nyquil who has to go to the pharmacy? You.

Or how about my personal favorite, the car needs to be left at the shop? How do you get to work? Have a friend drive you? Take a cab? Catch a bus? Try and work from the mechanics shop? Or do you have to take a PTO day? Of course if you don't stay at the shop, you'll have to figure out a way back to it when the car is fixed. See why it's such a fun one?

As you grow older you realize you had best prepare to make arrangements in your golden years. Without kids, you can't rely on the fact anyone will be there to call or check on you at least once a week, let alone help you around the house. Better make plans for a retirement community or at least make good friends in the neighborhood.

As you grow older you realize you had best prepare to make arrangements in your golden years. Without kids, you can't rely on the fact anyone will be there to call or check on you at least once a week, let alone help you around the house. Better make plans for a retirement community or at least make good friends in the neighborhood. Now, of course I understand even if you have children, you may not rely on them for helping out in the winter days of life, but if you don't have kids it's definitely not an option.

Yet, that's just the boring mundane stuff.  Let's talk about the more social aspect of life. For example, let's say you a have social function at work. Talking about work, it's great. Talking about travel, well that's not to bad either. However, sooner or later, and usually it's sooner, the talk always drifts back to children or grand children. You have neither so you have limited choices. You can sit politely, nod your head and smile while the conversation goes long past the point where you have any reference or any ability to contribute,  talk about somebody else's kids or mention your pets.

Oh! But there you go! (Just in case you didn't know already.) Pets, they're not the same. Really? In my case, I'm a college educated woman past the age of thirty. While I may call my cats my "furbabies" I don't need to be told they are not the same as having children. I know that. If there was a building on fire and I have the choice to save a human child or my cat I know what choice to make.(Just to be clear, I’d save the child.)

Yet, if I my cat dies tomorrow, unless I have a really understanding boss I wouldn't be able to take the day off. I mean think about that. Here is a creature who has lived with me almost twenty years. He has given me unconditional love. He has been there when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night. He has seen me sick and well. Sometimes he's the reason I've gotten out of bed. He's made me laugh. Yet, "he's just a cat" and if he dies tomorrow why I would be making "such a fuss."

Now, luckily I do have an understanding boss.

What about the holidays? Well holidays are a family affair which leads us back to the beginning of this blog. Family. When you are single and child free you start to stick out at family affairs, especially when your martial status is a topic of discussion.Plus, if you thought listening to co-workers talk about children and child rearing was awkward, well it can be practically an Olympic event with family. Yes, you can love your nieces and nephews. You can talk about them and share stories about them. However, it's only to a point. 

Let me be clear, this isn't a rant against children. I like kids and they seem to like me. I'm an Aunt by birth and by chosen family. Nor is this a rant against marriage. I'm a romantic at heart.

Being single and child free is not always easy, but it isn’t a deficiency. We are not losers to be criticized or pitied. And while we may not understand what it is like to live your lives, I can guarantee that you don’t know what it is like to live ours. Like you, we are people making it through life the best way we know how. Like you, we are people living our lives. Maybe one day we won't be single. Maybe we will have kids. Maybe we won't. However, if that changes, I'm sure it will be obvious to those around us. In the mean time,  can we play a different game; maybe Go Fish?

Moderation in all things

This blog post was inspired by the post by the Chocolate Priestess on August 23, below.  Cerise writes:  

Balance is all.  Moderation in all things.  The Golden Mean.  These are noble goals, but it seems to be so hard for people to achieve them.  Especially in the United States, we prefer to go to extremes.  Moderation is so much better for us, but we’re not very good at it. 

For example, I, like the Chocolate Priestess, try to keep the environment in mind when making purchases and running my household.  This effort often aligns with my natural frugal tendencies.  If I can avoid buying something we don’t need, I will save money.  If I can make do with something we already have, I save more money.  If I have to buy something, maybe I can find it used, which saves me money and keeps things out of the landfill.  But I can’t always follow the most environmentally correct path, especially because my health conditions really cut into the amount of time and energy I have.  For instance, I can’t use an outdoor clothesline because my allergies would go nuts if I slept on pollen-dusted sheets.  So I try to line-dry a lot of things indoors, and never over-dry the other clothes by letting the dryer run longer than necessary.  For me, this compromise is a moderate, realistic plan. 

I have recently seen some households that make different choices.  For example, my parents and in-laws do not recycle.  Not a single thing.  Not paper, not aluminum cans, not even those ubiquitous plastic bags that every store tries to give you.  Nothing.  They laughed at us when we wanted to take some of our “trash” back home to recycle.  They said it was too much trouble.  Is it really any more trouble than taking out the trash? 

Now I will admit that we don’t take the recycling to the recycling center as often as we could, preferring to wait for it to turn into a small mountain in a corner of the garage, but it really isn’t that much trouble to recycle.  Yes, we have to drop off our own recycling, because we live outside of the city limits.  On the other hand, we don’t have to pay anyone else to pick up our recycling.  And I drive by the recycling center several times a week, anyway.  (I wonder if driving to the recycling center would otherwise negate the benefits of recycling?) 

At the other end of the spectrum, I recently visited a friend who is far more environmentally correct than I am.  She is pregnant and has a toddler, and she still finds time to do more than her fair share to save the planet.  Perhaps being a parent provides a special motivation for wanting to keep the planet in good shape for the next generation?  She is getting ready to move and she is packing with reusable storage totes and fabric for padding, rather than buying boxes and packing paper.  She was even talking about feeling guilty for not turning banana peels into chutney because she doesn’t have time.  She laughed and admitted that you can only do so much.   Trust me, dear, you don’t need to feel guilty for not eating your banana peels!  Maybe when your kids are older you can experiment with that recipe.  If you really want to. 

I think what I am trying to say is that moderation in all things extends to self-compassion.  Don’t be too hard on yourself when you can’t do it all.  You don’t have to be perfect.  You don’t have to save the world single-handedly.  Just do the best you can, with what you have, where you are.  Don’t let guilt spoil your enjoyment of life.  Give yourself a pat on the back for what you do accomplish.  Whether we are talking about recycling, cleaning house, working, spending time with your family, volunteering, or making home-cooked meals, high-achieving women tend to feel that what they do is never enough.  They feel they should be doing more.  But being realistic and taking care of yourself, too, will ultimately be the best thing for you.  And that will lead you to be able to do the most for everyone else, too.