Respect

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Find out what it means to me. 

Respect really does mean different things to different people.  To some groups, re-tweeting someone’s clever comment is a way to show you value and respect their opinion.  To others, respect might be shown in your attire or your body language.  There are generational differences in showing respect and I fear these differences are contributing in a breakdown in mutual understanding between generations. 

As a professor at a community college, I get to see plenty of disrespectful behavior.  It is largely up to me to decide what behavior I will ignore, what I will tolerate, and what I will do about the rest of it.  If students wear pajamas or come to class with uncombed hair, I ignore it.  But it is hard for me to avoid judging them, I admit.  It seems to me that dressing like that says they don’t want to be there, they are too busy for this class, they don’t think the class is important, and they don’t care what I think of them.  They are not showing respect, as I define it.  This is not a behavior I try to change because I have bigger fish to fry.  But I wonder if the students even know they are showing disrespect?  I am sure they would say they didn’t mean to, and that clothes don’t matter.   They are just outward things.  What should matter is how they do on the test.  Well, trust me, the students who can’t get cleaned up for class generally can’t get their act together to do well on the tests, although there are a few exceptions. 

If these students really don’t know how to dress for class and what messages they are sending when they fail to do so, how will they show respect when they WANT to do so?  By wearing flip flops to the White House?  If they need to go to a funeral, the most serious and formal of events in our culture, will they know what to wear?  Or how to act?  Will they know how to show respect when they actually want to be respectful?  I have a sinking feeling they won’t.  My husband recently attended a memorial service where other people wore jeans.  (And, no, they were not the ones digging the grave.)  Jeans, people?  Really?  What does that say about your attitude toward the bereaved?  I think it says: “I care enough to show up, but not enough to dust off my one suit and suck in my gut long enough to be respectful of the solemnity of this occasion.  Oh, and I’m going out for beer and wings afterwards.”  If this isn’t the message you want to send, then wear something else.  What message would wearing a dark suit or dress send?  Something like “I care a lot about your loss and your feelings.  I am willing to go to the small trouble of dressing myself properly as a token of my esteem for the life that has ended and for your religious traditions.  I know how to behave and don’t want to draw attention to myself on this serious occasion.” 

What about weddings?  These are much less solemn events, but they can be just about as formal.  People clearly do not know how to dress for these, either.  We won’t even get into the whole wearing tuxedos before 5 pm thing.  I mean stuff like wearing white when you are not the bride.  To me, and I think to the bride, too, it says “I don’t care that this is the most special day of your life up to this point.  I don’t care about your feelings or about it being your day to shine.  I want to wear whatever the hell I want and get all the attention that should be rightfully yours.  Screw you!”  Okay, this may not be the message you mean to send, but I can just about guarantee that it is the message the bride will be getting.  Maybe this is why I am still slightly pissed off that my mother-in-law to be wore off white to my wedding.  I still think she doesn’t like me very much, and her suit that day really didn’t help to change my mind. 

Why are clothes so important?  They are the first and loudest message you can send to someone.  But there are other ways to show respect and disrespect, too.  I recently performed at a school carnival with my dance troupe.  Some of the audience members were amazingly rude.  Two people in the middle of the front row texted on their phones the entire time.  Somehow, I doubt they were texting “OMG!  Awesome belly dancing going on!”  And even if they were, their behavior was still inappropriate.  Watching a live dancer or musician is not the same as watching TV.  It puts some responsibilities on you.  You are supposed to look at the performer, not at a tiny screen.  You are supposed to look like you are enjoying yourself, not like you are a brain dead zombie.  You are required to clap politely or wildly, depending on your inclination.  In certain forms of dance and music you are expected to yell, hoot, nod, keep time, or throw money.  If you want to attend these events, do what you are supposed to do.  If you want to pick your nose (I swear I am not making this up) or play Candy Crush on your phone, stay home and watch TV. 

Oh, you ARE paying attention to the performers?  You just don’t look like you are?  Tough cookies, people.  It is part of your job as an audience member to look like you are paying attention.  Yep, you have a duty as a participant in the live performance.  That’s part of the deal.  Even clapping is not enough. 

I had the pleasure of going to a ballet performance at IU this past weekend, too.  I was mostly impressed with the attire and behavior of the audience, which included small children and quite a few high school and college students.  Most of them were dressed up and clapped with great enthusiasm.  Of course, a few people played with their phones while the performance was going on.  Trust me, people, the WHOLE cast can see your glowing screen and it IS hurting their feelings. 

Earlier that same day, one member of my dance troupe was so upset by the rude audience that she could hardly finish the performance.  We scrapped the audience participation part of our program because we were so pissed off.  This audience wasn’t willing to put on the effort to look at us, why would we think they would be willing to get up and dance with us?  Think how much worse it would feel to be on stage, busting your butt for these people, and to look out at the darkened theater to see 5 or 6 glowing screens because they are so bored they can’t stand to wait 5 minutes to screw around on their phones! 

I cannot swear to it, but I kind of have a sinking suspicion that the people who were at the ballet and wearing short-short denim cut offs and flannel shirts with holes were the same people who were texting during the performance.  Because their clothes said “I don’t give a shit about the performance or the performers.”  And their phones did, too. 

Is it any wonder I don’t let my students use their phones in my class?  

Being a Writer or Wife or Mother IS a Full-time Job

The following are something things I've been carrying around in my heart for a long, long time now but a recent "offer" because I'm a "respected author" of a particular genre really has annoyed me this past week so I thought, what the heck, why not write about it?

My life didn't turn out the way I planned.  Big surprise to most women, heck most people, huh?  Life generally goes as it does and we can either deny reality or adjust.

I tried to adjust when it was taking too long to get through school and full secure enough for us to have kids... then it was simply too late and we were too happy with our adult only life to want to change things.

I tried to adjust when people I thought would be part of my household long term turned out to be liars or simply made economic choices that left us out of their futures.

I tried to adjust when the brilliance of the USA attitude resulted in less educational spending than our world competition as the economy went south in 2007 just as I was on the job market finally.

I tried to adjust when we realized that I needed more interactions than being a freelance author by volunteering for things that are important to me in education and the arts.

I tried to adjust as my partners went on to more stressful but higher paying jobs by taking on more responsibilities at home without becoming everyone's mom or maid and making sure we all work on domestic matters.

But there is something I simply cannot and will not adjust to: People's belief that I have nothing to do and therefore they can call on me last minute, assume the things I do for or with them are the only things I have to do, and in general acting like I don't need to plan things out.

How do people show me the above?

They refuse or are unwilling to give me the information I need to make plans.

(For the love of... this is probably my biggest pet peeve for not being respected. Want cookies for your event? Tell me how many!  Want me to come and bring my books?  Tell me realistically how many sales I can expect.  Want me to speak to your group?  Given a topic or feedback on my ideas so I am appropriated for the audience!  Want me to come and have fun?  Then let me know the place and time for goodness sakes not this general afternoon or evening crap!)

They call me out of the blue to just talk about nothing, often interrupting something I had planned.

(You know what is great for just shooting the breeze?  Face-to-face chatting and email.  The first is just part of hanging out; the second allows both people to chat when they can.)

They make assumptions that I can just show up with only 24 hours or less notice and act so put out when I have plans or simply want to be with my family.

(I realize that not everyone is a planner or can be a planner.  See comments at the end for how I try to understand that but to be blunt, I often have to plan my freetime so I can do things "spontaneously.")

They can't seem to help put things away after we do something together -- leaving glasses, plates, napkins, etc. just laying around for me to pick up.

(When I visit someone. I always ask "where is your trash can" or "what should I do with this?" when I'm doing using something.  If I'm a repeat visitor I'll learn this and not bother my host any more with these questions but I try to leave the space I've been invited into at least as good as when I left it if at all possible.)

They make comments about my not having a "real job" or that it must be so good to have so much free time.

(This is so easy to do!  I've done it myself but it is still rude and annoying no matter who is doing it.)

They make me "promotional offers" that are really nothing more than an additional person for their event and expect me to do it for free or worse pay all my expenses even though I'm the "expert" they are asking for.

(I don't want to make money at conventions or lectures simply by having the event pay me.  I know there are people out there who charge speaker's fees but I don't not simply because I'm only a tiny fish but because I find it a way to separate yourself from the communities I think you should feel part of, if you don't admit it is only a business for you.  BUT I also am not wealthy, not even slightly, and if you want me to help you at an event because I'm published/smart/fun/whatever then help me cover my basic expenses.)

I consider the above attitudes and beliefs to be beyond rude and indeed downright insulting.

I'm a radical feminist, have been since before I was a teenager, and contrary to what neocons would have you believe, radical feminist has never degraded women who stayed at home to raise a family, take care of their house, did volunteer work, or were themselves engaged in the arts at home.  The entire point of radical feminism was to empower the woman (and by extension her children and future generations of men and women) to have the freedom to make choices about life.

Let's be realistic.  Choices are never completely free, never limitless.  Being able to make a choice involves having information about what is possible and having the support to make the choice and pursue the outcome you hope for.

When you act like you don't need to plan things out, when you walk out of my life suddenly, or when you lie to me, you are denying me the ability to make a choice just as much as if a government agency decided to limit my right to vote or make a medical decision.

In fact when we do this to each other, when we act like we shouldn't care about other people's lives in our private interactions, then why are we surprised by public and government insults to us.

We don't all act the same, not all of us are planners or volunteers or can grasp that time isn't readily available to everyone else.  But if you want to be with others, if you want to have your choices empowered, you better be willing to meet others halfway to how they do things or you may find yourself alone.

I try really hard to go halfway, to accept when plans don't work out, to adjust to life, to be realistic.

Sometimes I just have to say "I'm worth more" and demand the level of respect I try very hard to give to others.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

I'm betting you have, I'm betting you do, so please leave a comment and let me know.

Mind Your Own Business!

Cerise writes:

            Several recent events have made me realize that some people need a reminder:  not everything in the whole wide world is your damn business.  And not everyone needs to hear your opinion.  But am I not just spouting my own opinions, here on this blog?  Perhaps a few examples will clarify what I mean:

            A friend of mine is deaf and has two small children.  Because she is deaf, she is eligible for a handicapped parking permit.  (This depends on the state.) Yes, that’s right.  It is dangerous for a deaf person to navigate a parking lot on foot when everyone else assumes they can hear.  If you can’t hear a car horn or even an idling engine, then you can’t get out of the way.  (Deaf people get killed and injured in parking lots all the time.)  And, as anyone with small children knows, your eyes simply cannot be everywhere at once.  My friend refused to use the handicapped parking permit for which she was eligible until she had two young kids to look after.  Then she admitted it would be safer for them if she didn’t have to try to watch them, hold on to them, and watch every car in sight while she crossed a parking lot.  Now she can park close to the door and keep her children safe.  But one day someone she had never seen before saw her parking (with her valid handicapped permit), hauling her kids out of the car, and heading into the building.  This total stranger took it upon herself to assume that my friend MUST be abusing the system since she didn’t LOOK like a stereotypical disabled person.  And then the stranger also took it upon herself to confront my friend and start scolding her.  My friend is pretty good at lip reading, but it is a difficult skill, made more difficult when you are startled, have no context for what the other person is saying, don’t know the person, or are trying to lip read someone who is yelling at you.  So she didn’t catch every word the stranger was spouting, but she is pretty sure some of the words were not suitable for her children’s ears (they can both hear.)  Then her adorable son burst in, “Stop!” he said, holding up his hand like a tiny policeman directing traffic.  “My momma is DEAF and you leave her alone!”  Well said, young man!  If you don’t know the situation, don’t assume.  And don’t butt in without enough information. 

            Perhaps not surprisingly, similar things have happened to friends of mine with heart trouble and myasthenia gravis.  There are plenty of serious disabilities that some ignorant stranger can’t see.  Don’t assume you know everything!  Better yet, don’t assume anything. 

            Maybe a better way to describe this admonition isn’t “Mind your own Business” but rather “Don’t Judge.”  Even judges and juries don’t make decisions without all the information.  And if they don’t have enough information, then they don’t make a decision at all.  What a great idea for the rest of us!

            Another, less extreme example, comes from my own personal experience.  I was eating at Wendy’s.  Not the pinnacle of healthy cuisine, I know.  But there I was, with my lunch.  I had two $1 hamburgers and an iced tea.  This lunch, by the way, is under 600 calories.  Not a huge meal, it could certainly be a part of a healthy diet.  But, I should add, I am fat.  Overweight.  Obese.  And all that fat is there for the whole word to see.  And so was the food on my tray.  I had not yet taken my first bite when a total stranger started to scold me.  Yes, an adult human being was being scolded by someone they didn’t know about what they were eating.  I was, honestly, totally flummoxed.  This stranger told me I had no business eating that much, that I was fat, that I was making it worse, and that it was my own fault.  I believe my response was something along the lines of a bewildered, “HUH?”  I might have also managed to say “Do I know you?”  The nosy stranger then started to tell me about her personal quest for fitness and weight loss with some herbal supplement that had changed her life.  Ah, I understood now:  this was all about her.  It wasn’t really about her desire to help me, to educate me, it was about her chance to show off, to feel superior to me. 

            Did she really think I hadn’t noticed I was fat?  That I needed someone to tell me?  Someone wrote into Miss Manners with a similar question, something along the lines of “My cousin used to be a very attractive, pretty girl.  But she has let herself go and has gained twenty pounds.  Should I tell her?  How can I tell her to get it together and lose weight?”  Miss Manners was, I have to say, a bit taken aback.  She asked if the reader really thought the cousin would say “Oh, my!  You’re absolutely right.  I hadn’t even noticed!  Thank you so much for pointing it out to me!”  Could anybody really expect that?  I can’t decide if anyone could be that stupid or if they really just want to feel superior to the fat person. 

            So the question is:  stupid or mean?  Maybe they just didn’t think.  I do believe there is an epidemic of speaking without thinking.  If you doubt me, take a look around this Internet here.  Plenty of writing without thinking, no?  So, please, the next time you want to judge, to criticize, to tell someone else how to live their life. . .  Stop!  Think:  do I have all the information?  Is my comment really going to be helpful?  Or am I just mouthing off for my own benefit? 

            I would like to clarify that this post is not meant to contradict another author’s post, “Speak Up for Your Own Good.”  Speaking out to help someone, to offer support is totally different.  In fact, speaking up to someone who insults or offends you might be the only solution to those people who speak without thinking first.  Like the little boy who had to say “Stop!  Leave my momma alone!”  Out of the mouths of babes?