Some Thoughts on Rape as a Man's Issue, Part 2

Continuing my thoughts from last Friday I wanted to share the story of one male rape survivor who is also my partner because he and I discussed the study and my post about at some length.  I'll call him "S" to offer him privacy.  Those who may know him please respect that if he wanted to share this more with you, he would have done so already. He's allowing me to bring up what I do below in the hopes of getting folks to think.

My partner, S, and I have a lot in common even though we are 11 years apart in age.  Sadly, one of the things we have in common is surviving a series of childhood and teen sexual attacks, harassment, and rape.  We know when my abuse started and what happened at various ages; we aren't sure with him because he's decided he doesn't want to drag up the details.  It is a valid way to survive and live now even I'm always concerned there might be a flashback around the next corner.

His one rape we did talk about after last week's post here on this blog happened when S was a teenager, I believe 15 years old.  Here is what S has told me in the past: He was jumped by a group of older boys and men in the boys' bathroom at school after the normal day was over.  They threatened, they had at least one knife, they each anally raped him, then they shoved the knife inside and cut him up. Afterwards he pulled himself together, washed up as best he could, and went home.

S told no one until he told an online therapist years later and then told me a year after that.  His parents and sister still do not know.

The next morning he noticed a wide streak of white hair on his head so he dug around and found a hat.  He kept wearing hats, refusing to take them off even if he got into trouble with his parents, until the hair grew out enough that it was cut off.  Extreme shock seems able to do that to hair.

But S's way of surviving this went beyond not talking and wearing a hat.

S started growing out facial hair, wearing more "butch" clothing, taking on very public extracurricular activities so that he was never alone and was very much in the public eye.  The men/boys who raped him taunted him for being girly, for being a loner, he was going to stop those things from attracting any more attention.

S told me during our conversation last weekend that he never thought of it as "rape" because rape didn't happen to boys or men, only girls and women.  It took him a few years to even think of it as sexual assault.

"What was it?" I asked him.

"It was just the cost of being different," S automatically muttered then recovered and said, "I didn't have the words to describe it."

I hugged S so hard and so long after that.

I get the normal protective reaction that I'm sure other women and men have when they learn that their loved ones have been raped -- anger, thoughts of revenge, fear that I could harm in some inadvertent fashion.  But having been through this myself I know that my feelings and need to do something can in many ways be stealing the power from the survivor.

Instead I told S that he was a strong man, that he did an amazing job of getting through school, and that he was powerful for continuing to survive it.  If his rapists goals were to make him conform he's overcome that and turned into his own man.

The physical scars from the knife part of the rapes have impacted our love life so thanks a lot bastards for damaging one way my lover could enjoy sex!  However we embrace a multitude of sexuality so, once more, he's proved himself stronger than the rapists.

While his rapists harmed him deeply I think our rape culture harmed him even more.

This culture sets up the idea that men are rapists and women are victims. This culture denies that men/boys can be victims and therefore they great difficulty even doing the internal work to survive because to even admit that something was done against their will might strip a male survivor of manhood since the rape culture tells them that men can't be raped.  They turn the anger inward and harm themselves or outward and harm others; female survivors do this to but we have more public resources to help us fight those two anger directions.

S's rapists ultimately failed as he learned to be himself again and overcome the anger trying to harm him or make him harm others.

S proves himself to be more of a man every day than any of those rapists could ever hope to be as they cave into their impulses and violence probably over and over and over again since study upon study show that multiple rapes and multiple types of violence are very common among rapists.

Feeling Devalued -- Personal Demons or Reflection?

I'm a full-time writer now and that was both an easy and a difficult thing for me to do.

Easy to become a full-time author because I've always written.  In my childhood scrapbook my mother created I have my earliest short story from just when I was barely able to write, not my telling about my summer but an actual fictional work.  It was easy because even when I shouldn't have been writing I was constantly pulled into writing by my internal voices or Muses as artists like to say.

It was difficult to become a full-time writer  because it pulled me out of society and away from people.  I would have to make an effort to be around and with people.  That can feel forced and artificial but I do try.  But it was also very difficult because suddenly I would like immediate or even timely feedback.  Furthermore income as a writer is spotting and since I'm not a professional writer in the sense that I'll write anything to get paid, I get paid far less often than I might.

Sometimes like this week I feel devalued, underappreciated, and wonder if any of this is worth my time.  This is dangerous for me because I do have a history of suicidal thoughts. Of course that assumes you think having such thoughts is dangerous is that acting on them is wrong in the first place.  I'm told it is wrong and dangerous but to be honest, I don't necessarily agree.

So this is what is going on recently that may be contributing to these feelings.  Just so you know, I am aware of counters for each of these yet right now those counters feel more like lies to me that reality.

First I only have two conventions planned this year -- I've pulled back for economic and logistical reasons but this makes the few I have very important emotionally. I knew I wouldn't sale much at the last one without a new book I can physically sell but knowing didn't soften the emotional blow.  The other convention is in September right before my birthday and if that doesn't go well it could be emotionally very dangerous in a way I'll agree is dangerous.

Second even though I've recently marked a big milestone on The Chocolate Cult I've gotten only one comment on this on the blog itself and little feedback elsewhere.  What is the point of going through all the steps I do when no one cares enough to just say "this is awesome" or "I'm glad I stopped in to read today" or a similar thought.  Whenever I read something online I always leave a note of some type because I know how lonely it can be.

Third I've been sharing the betaed chapters of the first book in my next series and not getting much feedback though what I have gotten is helpful and the dialogue is good.  I've got a gamma editor lined up to go over the entire thing to look for plot or character problems -- a step I've never taken before -- before I even send it to my literary agent.  I'm sharing parts of myself and not getting much back until yesterday and today when suddenly a reader replies to five chapters... a bit too late for me to make any changes before my gamma has it, right?

Fourth I need to go through the last edits for this book chapter but I'm not feeling it even though they are probably nothing.  Last time I heard none of the other chapters were in for the first edit so why should I bust myself to hurry? Why can't others be on the ball? Why do I have to be the reliable one? Why can't I be one of the reliable ones?

Finally the last book in my trilogy came out and while I got kudos for the announcement the vast majority of my attempts to do any real promo stuff such as find reviewers has been met with silence.  I've seen my announcement shared once and yet every other day I'm sharing similar announcements from other writers and artists -- this feels very unfair to me and it is making me angry.

As often happens when I get angry that turns inward.  There must be something wrong with me that lets people ignore me.  What is it? I'm a dominant in charge lady in my house, I'm often the organizer of my friends and family when I was around them.  What the hell is happening to me?

It makes me feel and think things that I'm told are bad and dangerous but that actually just makes me feel these things more strongly.