Feeling Devalued -- Personal Demons or Reflection?

I'm a full-time writer now and that was both an easy and a difficult thing for me to do.

Easy to become a full-time author because I've always written.  In my childhood scrapbook my mother created I have my earliest short story from just when I was barely able to write, not my telling about my summer but an actual fictional work.  It was easy because even when I shouldn't have been writing I was constantly pulled into writing by my internal voices or Muses as artists like to say.

It was difficult to become a full-time writer  because it pulled me out of society and away from people.  I would have to make an effort to be around and with people.  That can feel forced and artificial but I do try.  But it was also very difficult because suddenly I would like immediate or even timely feedback.  Furthermore income as a writer is spotting and since I'm not a professional writer in the sense that I'll write anything to get paid, I get paid far less often than I might.

Sometimes like this week I feel devalued, underappreciated, and wonder if any of this is worth my time.  This is dangerous for me because I do have a history of suicidal thoughts. Of course that assumes you think having such thoughts is dangerous is that acting on them is wrong in the first place.  I'm told it is wrong and dangerous but to be honest, I don't necessarily agree.

So this is what is going on recently that may be contributing to these feelings.  Just so you know, I am aware of counters for each of these yet right now those counters feel more like lies to me that reality.

First I only have two conventions planned this year -- I've pulled back for economic and logistical reasons but this makes the few I have very important emotionally. I knew I wouldn't sale much at the last one without a new book I can physically sell but knowing didn't soften the emotional blow.  The other convention is in September right before my birthday and if that doesn't go well it could be emotionally very dangerous in a way I'll agree is dangerous.

Second even though I've recently marked a big milestone on The Chocolate Cult I've gotten only one comment on this on the blog itself and little feedback elsewhere.  What is the point of going through all the steps I do when no one cares enough to just say "this is awesome" or "I'm glad I stopped in to read today" or a similar thought.  Whenever I read something online I always leave a note of some type because I know how lonely it can be.

Third I've been sharing the betaed chapters of the first book in my next series and not getting much feedback though what I have gotten is helpful and the dialogue is good.  I've got a gamma editor lined up to go over the entire thing to look for plot or character problems -- a step I've never taken before -- before I even send it to my literary agent.  I'm sharing parts of myself and not getting much back until yesterday and today when suddenly a reader replies to five chapters... a bit too late for me to make any changes before my gamma has it, right?

Fourth I need to go through the last edits for this book chapter but I'm not feeling it even though they are probably nothing.  Last time I heard none of the other chapters were in for the first edit so why should I bust myself to hurry? Why can't others be on the ball? Why do I have to be the reliable one? Why can't I be one of the reliable ones?

Finally the last book in my trilogy came out and while I got kudos for the announcement the vast majority of my attempts to do any real promo stuff such as find reviewers has been met with silence.  I've seen my announcement shared once and yet every other day I'm sharing similar announcements from other writers and artists -- this feels very unfair to me and it is making me angry.

As often happens when I get angry that turns inward.  There must be something wrong with me that lets people ignore me.  What is it? I'm a dominant in charge lady in my house, I'm often the organizer of my friends and family when I was around them.  What the hell is happening to me?

It makes me feel and think things that I'm told are bad and dangerous but that actually just makes me feel these things more strongly.

Motivations to Attend Conventions

Frolicon 2010

I've attended a decent about of science fiction, fantasy, and BDSM conventions over the years but this year I have only two scheduled -- on in July and one in September.  So today I wanted to share with you all my thoughts on why I'm doing so few and whether or not I want to do more in the future.  Notice: I'm going to say a lot of things in this post today and it may seem rambling. Primarily I just want to share the experiences and thoughts of one independent author so that other authors/artists and convention organizers might learn something.  I do not have all the answers nor am I a saint.  You have been warned.

My very first convention way back in NYC in the mid-1990s was a convention I was invested in.  That means that I wasn't just attending for fun but as part of the organizing body that arranged the convention. I've only attended one convention in my entire life purely for fun and that was a horror convention with my friend The Prosy Rose who is one of the other writers on this blog. I can't say that I had a great deal of fun at the convention because of the convention but in spite of it in many ways.  I fear I'd get bored if I were just one of the crowd going to see the latest movie promos, chat up artists, meet fellow gamers, or just plain get my geek on.  I just need to be more involved I guess.

Assistant at Utopicon Table 2012

Conventions are expensive even if they are in you home city and you volunteer to defer the expenses and I know this so I always feel a bit of empathy for those folks to whom I'm trying to sell a book or two.  Part of my motivation for going to a convention is self-promotion; I make no claims otherwise.  At the end of every year my husband and I look back at each convention, weighing costs and book sales, weighing the fun we each had (or I had if a friend took me to the convention instead), and any hassles I had to face while there. Sadly the vast majority of conventions I've attended have been cut because the hassle outweighed the fun or the organization of the event made it nearly impossible to do any book sales.

Duckcon Table Share 2009

A great convention sees a few more dollars (literally) in my pocket than what I had to pay out; a good convention breaks even.  Writing is my career, I'm not a teacher or a healthcare worker or an office drone taking a break to hang with my geeky or nerdy peeps, I must keep these financial matters in my mind and I know that annoys the crap out of so many people.  I know you get annoyed when I say "Hi, want to check out the books?" again when you walk by the table or booth but please try to realize that I won't remember if you've passed by before unless we've had a conversation or you've bought a book that year -- in those cases I'll just smile but not try to entice you to buy because I got the answer for that year.

Duckcon Panel 2010

That brings me to my other reason to attend conventions -- entertain or educate. I know that conventions are expensive for me and for you, too.  So I'm never the person who buys a vendor table and then just hangs out all the time pushing my goods... you might think I am given how often you see me.  Nope, I'm doing at last three and often as many as 6+ panels, workshops, or games while I'm at the convention, too, and in exchange I get in the convention for free... just the cost of the convention pass by the way, not hotel, not food, and generally not my assistant (husband or friend) who is making it possible for me to do any of those things. Why do I do all of that?  Part of it the knowledge that being seen and heard outside the vending space makes it more likely someone might buy a book but far more than that it is my drive to entertain and educate.

Duckcon Reading 2011

I'm a writer and most of what I've had published has been fiction.  That means I'm an entertainer at some core part of my identity.  I'm also a feedback junky, I love to see and hear reactions when I'm talking to or with people.  To know that I've made someone blush or wiggle or even cause his or her mouth to hang agape is a huge thrill for me.  That means emotionally it hurts a lot when only a handful show up for a panel or reading from time to time but if I can get specific reactions from that audience (better yet sales) it can make up for smaller numbers of raw turnout.

I was a college instructor for a few years and for several other years I've been a human sexuality educator as well.  I love helping people make discoveries of facts and further getting them to think about those facts and apply them.  You can do that at conventions if you are willing to put yourself out there with the knowledge that not everyone is going to want to think, going to want to learn, or going to be interested in your subject.  Again I can be thrilled merely from helping one single individual learn something new or think about something in a different way so these conventions can be great outlets for the teacher in me.  My motivation then is to feel like I'm being a professor once more though I hope in a cool way.

Inconjunction RPG 2009

I'm also motivated by my love of creating... every moment at a convention I am creating whether it is the persona of an author trying to sell a book, a DM running a game, a workshop leader or panel specialist, or working on the next projects or encouraging someone else's creativity.  That isn't to say that you see a fake me at conventions, I'm still 85-90% me but that other 10-15% is a cranking up or a toning down of myself for the required moment.  I'm playing various roles, creating what I need to interact with other people.  One of the best creative things I do at conventions is try to run RPGs, a specific game that will have it's 9th consecutive run at Inconjunction this July.

Marcon Table 2010

You might think that I'm a people person but I can get uncomfortable around people easily. I'm not a very patient person nor am I very tolerant of stupidity or lack of rational logic most of the time.  So one reason I go to conventions is to force myself to get more practice with being all of those things.  I have to work on being more socially skilled when a racist a-hole decides he/she needs to bitch about the president for no reason at all or a sexist jerk feels the pressing need to reassure their fragile ego by proclaiming his (it's almost always a his) worth at the cost of another or a self-righteous little thing that has to make a snippy comment about those books to deflect how hard/wet the thought is making them or a self-indulgent twit who has to giggle about all the ugly/fat people to feel more attractive.

See those people really piss me off but in the convention I have "play nice" even if they don't feel the same obligation.  Making myself go forces me to learn to be more diplomatic without giving up my own moral/ethical code or opinions.  Practice hasn't made me perfect but I think it's made me better in social settings.

Duckcon Table Share 2010

For many people fun is the main reason they go to a convention and I do what to have that as well.  Unfortunately as long as the margin between costs and books sales is too great that is a stressor and if I still have a panel or workshop my mind is on that.  I have my most fun in the last few hours when I have little else to do and look forward to the week ahead -- assuming I don't get concrud. I do enjoy seeing people I may only see on FB or G+ or whom I don't even see online but only at conventions.  I hesitated over using the word "friends" here in this paragraph simply because I consider a friend to be someone I interact with regularly and the vast majority of folks at conventions I simply never talk with or see until the next event comes around.  I can be friendly without being friends and that is something I've learned too over the years at conventions. Every now and I again I do make acquaintances that become friends.

Millennicon 2010 RPG

There are a few thoughts for the upcoming conventions.  Only two this year -- one a tried and true event and one brand new.  I do miss other conventions and would love to go back if the expense wasn't so great or the distance so far.  I wanted to go to another new convention not far from us in June but the cost for an artist/author table was $150!  Really?  I'm not Stephen King, dudes?  Plus they were "family friendly" and I was worried they might kick me out if they saw my books after I paid that.  Anyway, I'd love to find other conventions if anyone out there wants me and can help me meet some of my motivations and concerns.  I also realize after putting this together that I need to start taking more photographs from these events -- you have been warned!