Mental Illness Can Be Terminal

Like many I was stunned to hear about the unexpected death of Robin Williams. I grew up watching him and being entertained by his humor. I remember his first appearance on Happy Days and his roles in Good Morning Vietnam, Dead Poets Society, Mrs. Doubtfire, etc...

However, I didn't think about his career when I heard about his death. As soon as I heard the statement from his publicist about how Mr. Williams had been suffering with depression, all I could think of that we lost this great comedian because his mental illness was terminal.

I do not say that lightly. I say that as someone who has a mental illness. I say that as someone who has been deeply depressed and suicidal at least twice in my life. I might not even be here today except for a friend who drove two and half hours in the middle of the night to come stay with me to ensure I wasn't alone.

Odds are you know or are related to someone with a mental illness. Some may be open about their diagnosis. Some may not be. There is still so much stigma and misinformation about mental illness many do not share their diagnosis.

Many do not understand the struggles those of us with mental illness face because our illness is not as easy to understand like diabetes or cancer. It isn't visible unless it is in our behaviors and sometimes even those aren't obvious signs of a deeply painful inner struggle.

I am bipolar with an anxiety disorder. I have a full time job. I have a car and I own my home. I have friends and family.  I have a good life. Many would not even know I have a mental illness. Many who do know forget.

I have suffered manic episodes, depressive episodes and many, many, panic attacks. It took a doctor to give me my first diagnosis: generalized anxiety disorder. I had gotten to the point in my life that I was was breaking down into a panic state nearly every night. Daily my body was thrown into a 'fight or flight' reaction. The constant stress manifested in stomach issues, palpitations, breathing problems, etc.... Essentially, the stress was wearing my body down.

People looking on the outside just saw me as a "worry-wart." They thought I was overly dramatic. I was told constantly, "Don't worry about it" as if my worry and fears were something I could control. I tried so hard and it only seemed to make it worse when each time I failed and found once again I'd be curled up in a ball of panic.

Getting the diagnosis and getting medication for the anxiety disorder literally made me cry with relief. Finally something made sense. However,  I hated going on the medications because at first they made me sick. I was warned this would be the case but the warning didn't prepare me for the reality of two weeks of nausea.

I was lucky though. I had insurance. It not only helped cover the cost of the medication but it helped with the cost of the therapist who began to help me understand the mind and body connection with my anxiety. She helped educate me on brain chemistry and how cognitive behavior, along with my medication, could help me manage my anxiety.

Still, that didn't solve all my issues. It would be a few more years, and another therapist, before I got the diagnosis of bipolar.  Although I did not embrace that diagnosis as readily as I did the anxiety disorder it finally did help me put into perspective other aspects of my behavior. It helped explain my wild and wonderful bouts of creativity, enthusiasm followed by my bouts of depression.

It also helped me understand why I would go through periods of over spending, periods where I got very little sleep and periods where I did nothing but sleep. I understood how I engaged in  self-medicating behavior. Drugs and alcohol weren't really my choices but food was and is. I could have days and weeks of binge eating and then periods where I would just forget to eat. 

Again there were medications to take and this time I balked. I balked because the meds made my brain work differently. I felt like a runner who suddenly had weights permanently attached to their ankles. How can I even begin to describe what that's like to feel your ability to think, problem solve, and to engage in creative thinking to suddenly grind to what seems like a screeching halt? I felt like my imagination had gone from painting in bright vivid colors to sketching with heavy blocks of charcoal. 

Then there is what I call 'living in the middle.' Being bi-polar is often described like riding a roller coaster. There are these hills, valleys, twists and turns you find yourself careening through without any control. While it's dangerous, it's also exhilarating! The highs are unbelievable! It's like flying. Your brain is speeding along and nothing seems impossible. The lows, though are killer.

It's hard to hold on to relationships. In an upswing you can make plans and promises only to find that when the time comes you barely have the energy or focus to get out of bed let alone go out. Conversely you could have the energy and the gumption to go out but not the wisdom when to call it a night.

When you are med compliant, going to therapy, getting your sleep, getting exercise and doing all the self-care you are supposed to do, the roller coaster stops. While that's the goal it can be uncomfortable and disorientating. Where's the exhilaration? Where's the drama and adrenaline rush? How do you live without that cycle? It almost seems, boring. It's a struggle to stay on those meds, to live in the middle when you miss those highs and you've forgotten about the lows.

Again, having a therapist and support network is crucial. They help you keep focused on what is healthy. Remind you what it's like in those low points. Help give you a reality check. However, it's no guarantee because ultimately all of this lies in your head.

Your therapist, your friends and your family aren't there in your head. They aren't there when the brain chemistry is off and thoughts are pushing in and you can't see your way out. There aren't there to understand the terror rising up inside of you leaving you screaming aloud and crying just wanting it all to stop.

Don't get me wrong. I am hopeful. I believe one can manage one's mental illness but it takes it hard work. It's daily vigilance on your thoughts, your emotions and following your medication program and practicing your cognitive behavioral techniques.

I'm grateful everyday I have health insurance. I'm grateful I have friends and family I can reach out to for support. However, sometimes they aren't there and I'm grateful I have been taught the skills or have the medications to handle those times when they aren't.

However, when I heard about Robin Williams death and the was an apparent suicide my heart was sick that not only did we lose a phenomenal comedian, actor and from all accounts a kind human being but that it was case where mental illness was terminal because for whatever reason the tools, techniques, the meds, the support, etc...did not work. The illness overwhelmed him.

There's a strange kind of feeling where you understand because you know, "there but for the grace of God go I." You want to help because you have some sort of insight and you can't. 

If someone you know has a mental illness, be there for them. Understand that it is an illness. It can be managed. They can have a 'normal' life but like a diabetic they live with that illness everyday. They have to manage it everyday. Some days are better than others.

If you have a mental illness and this is one of those bad days, please, remember you are NOT alone. Please reach out for help.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Old Maid Is a Children's Game

When I was a girl we used to play this card game called "Old Maid." You win the game by always being able to make a pair of matching cards on your turn until you have no more cards in your hand. You lose by being the only player with a card left; the one unmatched card.

As a young girl it was just a game. I never really thought about the message of the game. The implication: don't be left unmatched.

However, that changed as I grew older. It's almost impossible in this society not to get the message. We are geared to believe everyone must be married or in a relationship. Furthermore, you must have kids. It's the predominant message. Movies, ads, magazines, news stories, religion, politic and families all send out that message; "pair up and have kids."

Whether by choice or by circumstance those of us not in relationship and who are child free find we are that card. Sometimes it feels like "we're" losing. Well at least to me. I don't feel like I'm losing at life, just at some sort of game I don't remember agreeing to play.

Recently I had to go home for a family event. Finally someone asks me point blank, "Are you going to be an Old Maid?" Really? I mean I always suspected that was the whispering behind my back. I guess on one hand I'm kind of relieved it was said out loud but why does it matter? I know my marital status. It's obvious in a sea of kids, grandkids and spouses when I walk into a family function with none of those. If there's a change, I'll tell you.

Within that same week, had family member take issue with something I posted on Facebook. Now usually when that happens it has something to do with politics. I'm much more progressive then a swath of my family. Yet, this time the offending post was over a bit of humor involving a PR prank and a "devil baby."

I realize I can sometimes have a dark sense of humor. Maybe working at a haunted house a few Octobers didn't help any. However, I don't think the video was offensive enough to be told it was "horrible and if I had children I would understand just how horrible."

So here's where my blog becomes more rant than rational. I mean look, ok, I don't have children. I get it. I know there are things I will never truly comprehend or understand in this world. I mean it's kind of like when I was a virgin. Up until I actually had sex, I didn't really get all the sex jokes.

However, I don't have to be told that. I don't spend my time telling you don't understand my life! I mean being single and divorced with grown kids is not like not having been married nor having kids. But hey, since shoving it my face maybe I should shove back So here I go.

When you are child free, yeah, you have a lot of time on your hands. And when you are child free and single, you have even more freedom. But being single also comes with responsibilities. If there's laundry to get done. Who does it? You. House needs cleaned, who does it? You. Bills? You're the only bread winner. Lawn needs mowed. Yep you...Or you hire someone to do it. You hear a bump the night? There's no one to go send out to investigate but yourself. You get sick and need Nyquil who has to go to the pharmacy? You.

Or how about my personal favorite, the car needs to be left at the shop? How do you get to work? Have a friend drive you? Take a cab? Catch a bus? Try and work from the mechanics shop? Or do you have to take a PTO day? Of course if you don't stay at the shop, you'll have to figure out a way back to it when the car is fixed. See why it's such a fun one?

As you grow older you realize you had best prepare to make arrangements in your golden years. Without kids, you can't rely on the fact anyone will be there to call or check on you at least once a week, let alone help you around the house. Better make plans for a retirement community or at least make good friends in the neighborhood.

As you grow older you realize you had best prepare to make arrangements in your golden years. Without kids, you can't rely on the fact anyone will be there to call or check on you at least once a week, let alone help you around the house. Better make plans for a retirement community or at least make good friends in the neighborhood. Now, of course I understand even if you have children, you may not rely on them for helping out in the winter days of life, but if you don't have kids it's definitely not an option.

Yet, that's just the boring mundane stuff.  Let's talk about the more social aspect of life. For example, let's say you a have social function at work. Talking about work, it's great. Talking about travel, well that's not to bad either. However, sooner or later, and usually it's sooner, the talk always drifts back to children or grand children. You have neither so you have limited choices. You can sit politely, nod your head and smile while the conversation goes long past the point where you have any reference or any ability to contribute,  talk about somebody else's kids or mention your pets.

Oh! But there you go! (Just in case you didn't know already.) Pets, they're not the same. Really? In my case, I'm a college educated woman past the age of thirty. While I may call my cats my "furbabies" I don't need to be told they are not the same as having children. I know that. If there was a building on fire and I have the choice to save a human child or my cat I know what choice to make.(Just to be clear, I’d save the child.)

Yet, if I my cat dies tomorrow, unless I have a really understanding boss I wouldn't be able to take the day off. I mean think about that. Here is a creature who has lived with me almost twenty years. He has given me unconditional love. He has been there when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night. He has seen me sick and well. Sometimes he's the reason I've gotten out of bed. He's made me laugh. Yet, "he's just a cat" and if he dies tomorrow why I would be making "such a fuss."

Now, luckily I do have an understanding boss.

What about the holidays? Well holidays are a family affair which leads us back to the beginning of this blog. Family. When you are single and child free you start to stick out at family affairs, especially when your martial status is a topic of discussion.Plus, if you thought listening to co-workers talk about children and child rearing was awkward, well it can be practically an Olympic event with family. Yes, you can love your nieces and nephews. You can talk about them and share stories about them. However, it's only to a point. 

Let me be clear, this isn't a rant against children. I like kids and they seem to like me. I'm an Aunt by birth and by chosen family. Nor is this a rant against marriage. I'm a romantic at heart.

Being single and child free is not always easy, but it isn’t a deficiency. We are not losers to be criticized or pitied. And while we may not understand what it is like to live your lives, I can guarantee that you don’t know what it is like to live ours. Like you, we are people making it through life the best way we know how. Like you, we are people living our lives. Maybe one day we won't be single. Maybe we will have kids. Maybe we won't. However, if that changes, I'm sure it will be obvious to those around us. In the mean time,  can we play a different game; maybe Go Fish?

Love Your Body! (Just Not in OUR Clothes)

On the yoga wear company “Lululemon” website Laura M wrote a blog, “Love Your Body.” In it she asks us to recognize the “human body is beautiful.” She also tells us:

“I don’t know the what, when, where, why and how, but, somewhere along the line, we were told that our bodies weren’t good enough. We were told that we should cover-up, hide from the world, if we weren’t a certain body type. Well, forget that!”

Amen, Sister! Sign me up! I’m fired up! Let’s go! Except..oh..wait...I’m not a Lululemon customer.

I can’t be.

According to a recent article at the Huffington Post, “Shunning Plus-Size Shoppers Is Key To Lululemon's Strategy, Insiders Say,” the company’s business model is not to sell any size above a 12. Additionally in many of it stores it is routine not to shelve anything higher than a size 8.

The average size of a woman in this country is a size 14.

I’m not even average sized; I’m bigger. So I’m definitely not the Lululemon customer. There’s nothing on their website for me except some words.

All of this isn’t new. This actually reminds me of something which happened to me back when I was Freshman in highschool. See, I’ve been a full figured woman all my life. Even when I was kid spending my summer riding bikes, hiking in the woods, swimming in the lake, etc... I’ve always been that awful three letter word: FAT.

When I was freshman we had our own separate building where we went to school. It was also the last year of mandatory gym class. Now, I was never very good in gym. However, I enjoyed it. I liked playing games.  I was competitive (still am), but a good sport. Of course it was great to win, but just getting out and playing, whether it was bowling, field hockey, dodgeball, soccer..etc.. was awesome. Sure I loathed running but I could survive that for the chance to play.

As our Freshman year started to come to a close and we had to start choosing classes for our sophomore year I was in a quandary. As a sophomore gym class would no longer be mandatory. Although I knew I wasn’t good at sports, I liked playing. I also understood that exercise was important and that gym class was the one place I exercised consistently. So I went to talk to my gym teacher. I wanted to ask her about whether I should take gym class as a sophomore. Her response, “Gym in high school is really more for athletes.”

So there it was the beginning of an ugly truth in this country. If you fat or overweight you are told, “Lose the weight!” Get active! Exercise! However this is followed by, "Our gym is for athletes and that's not you," or, "Your body doesn't fit our corporate image, so you can’t wear our clothes.”

Now on one hand you might wonder, what’s the big deal? It’s a fitness company. Why should they sell plus sized clothing?

Lululemon is a company which has built its image by focusing on fitness, and not just physical but mental/emotional fitness as indicated by its manifesto. Why would they give lip service to the human body being beautiful, but then exclusively sell only sizes that the average woman cannot wear? Why help keep perpetuating the idea that her “body” is wrong?

If Lululemon is a company that really wants to focus on fitness and clothes for active wear why not sell for women who are active; all women? Do they believe that plus size women don’t exercise? Does Lululemon believe there’s no active wear market for plus size women?

That’s must be a big surprise to Juno Active. They have been in business since 1995.  They offer plus size active wear size 14 and up.  While their “manifesto” won’t be mistaken for a motivational poster it’s still worth a read. Especially when they write statements like:

“We believe that plus size women deserve good quality, fashionable clothing. The Juno Active website is unique in encouraging the plus size woman to "Embrace Your Active Life." We focus on the 40% or more of American women who wear plus sizes and are looking for top-quality gear for workout, ski, swim, camping and more. Juno Active is known for its high-tech fabrics, great fit and functional design that often just can't be found anywhere else. “

Wow! Imagine that a company that recognizes that an average size woman might like do things like swim, camp, ski, etc... Oh, and they are not alone. Just My Size also has a line of workout clothes for us “plus” size women; including yoga pants (surprise Lululemon: they are less $98). I could list other plus size active wear lines. It isn’t hard, just Google “Plus size active wear.”

The point is Lululemon is very much like Abercrombie & Fitch as envisioned in an infamous interview with it’s current CEO, Mike Jefferies. They don’t carry plus sizes because plus sizes don’t fit the image of who they want their customers to be.

So while a Lululemon representative can maintain, “We agree that a beautiful healthy life is not measured by the size you wear,” as quoted in another Huffington Post article. The company has gone on to say “we don’t have plans to change our current sizing structure which is 2-12 for women."

Look, I’m not pushing for Lululemon to sell “plus” size clothes anymore than I’m asking for Juno Active to sell size 2 active wear. Yet, I’m looking for some honesty and awareness here. Don’t tell me to love my body with one message and then “shame” for me not having the “right body” in the next.

At the very least I would love a company that sells ‘fitness’ wear to at least acknowledge the fact they do not sell any clothes which would fit the average size woman. At Lululemon, the average size woman who walks into their store is as unwelcome as someone like me.

I would like to say I defied my gym teacher and showed up ready to tackle high school gym my sophomore year. It didn't go that way. I didn’t take a gym class and I’ve wrestled with being active ever since.

However, a few years ago I did discover an activity that would change my life. No it didn’t make me a supermodel. Yes, I struggle with my weight still. Yet I exercise regularly with a community that celebrates healthy lives but does not measure health by size or age: belly dance.

It’s a good thing there are companies like Juno Active, Just My Size and others where I can get the active wear I need.

*edited by TB

Through a Shattered Looking Glass

Recently Ariel Castro stunned many with his ramblings at his sentencing. He made a meandering twenty minute statement before the court where he blamed everyone but himself for the kidnapping, torture and rape of Michelle Knight, Gina De Jesus, and Amanda Berry.  He stated, "I am not a monster." He claimed he was "sick." He asserted that there was "harmony" in the house and that the women weren't really prisoners;he simply kept "them there without them being able to leave."

He stunned many when he said: "But, uh, most of the sex that went on in that house, practically all of it was consensual. This – this – these allegations about being forceful on them, that is totally wrong. There was times that they would even ask me for sex. Many times. And I learned that these girls are not virgins from their testimony to me. And they had multiple partners before me. All three of them."

News programs and talk shows covered every angle of his statement. Clearly he is a mad man! Surely his level of self delusion is great! They rightly concluded this is a man who deserves his thousand year sentence without parole. But then they moved on to the next thing without further reflection.

Is what Ariel Castro said that "stunning?" Are the delusions he is operating under unique to him or did we see, just for a moment, beyond the image in the mirror to the fractured reality?

Just this week, it was reported that prison officials and their lawyers are trying to avoid culpability for the rape of a 14 year old inmate by a corrections officer while she was in their custody. They argued, "“Vickers could not have engaged in sexual relations within the walls of the detention center with [the victim] without cooperation from her. Vickers did not use force, violence or intimidation when engaging in sexual relations."

Furthermore, an anonymous source told the Tri Parish Times, "These girls in the detention center are not Little Miss Muffin."

So here we have it! The state is arguing that the 14 year old girl consented to have sex with the corrections officer and thus there was no wrongdoing; there were no monsters! And an anonymous source has been quick to point out that girls in detention facilities are inherently naughty.

Let's put this into perspective here. Mary Doe, the fourteen year old victim, was an incarcerated fourteen year old. Prior to her incarceration she had lived a life rife with tragedy and sexual abuse beginning at age 5! Now she is in prison where she is completely dependent on the system. She is alone; her mother died when she was nine and the uncle who was given custody sexually assaulted her AND tried to kill her. Then came a much older male who had the power to make her situation marginally better or far worse. What choice did she really have? Maybe she just wanted to survive. Does that mean she wanted to have sex? Does that mean the sex was consensual?

And, why is this even a question because Louisiana's statutory rape laws say it's rape. She was fourteen years old!

Yes, this is the shattered looking glass of rape culture we are staring through here. The one where certain politicians pontificate about "legitimate" rape and moralize that a pregnancy from  rape is "something God intended." Perhaps it is a comfort to Ariel Castro to know that the daughter he fathered with Amanda Berry was planned by the almighty.

Ariel Castro kidnapped Michelle Knight when she was twenty-one, Amanda Berry at age sixteen, and Gina DeJesus at age fourteen. He believes he isn't a monster. He believes he provided a good home and that his victims wanted to be there, and wanted him. After all, they weren't virgins. The nation is shocked.

The state of Louisana argues they are not culpable in the case of a corrections officer in their employ who repeatedly raped a fourteen year old inmate. It wasn’t really rape because she didn’t fight. And after all, she wasn't a virgin. The nation doesn’t see the ugly reflection. It doesn’t see that these events are connected that they are simply shards from the same broken mirror.

*Edited by TB

When Women Look the Other Way: Enabling the Cycle of Abuse

(Raven Wing is on vacation this week. Prosey Rose is filling in for her this Wednesday.)

For the last week one of the hot videos making the round in social media, internet news sites and blogs is that of Monica Contreras being arrested “for making a false allegation against a police officer” in March 2011.

First, let’s be clear that this is NO such law in Nevada jurisdiction. Even putting aside the sexual assault, this arrest was a gross violation of Ms. Contreras’ rights.

But we cannot and should not put aside the sexual assault charges. In fact one of the most astounding thing about this incident is that Ms. Contreras is being arrested by the man she has just accused of sexual assault in front of another officer of the court, and the court Magistrate does nothing.

Before I go any further let me give you the chance to watch the video yourself from CBS Station KLAS as they first reported the incident in March. I warn you, while this is work safe, it is not easy to watch.

I-Team: Cover-Up Alleged in Family Court

The result of the internal affairs investigation led to Marshal Fox being fired. However, I don't want to focus on Fox's actions. I hate to say I'm jaded and not surprised by his actions.  It is difficult for many people to acknowledge, but we live in a rape culture. Most men (and women) are not “evil” or sexual predators, but how are we supposed know the difference?  We live everyday uncertain whether a family member, someone in the clergy, a teacher, a friend, a partner, a spouse, a stranger and yes even a law enforcement officer might sexually assault, abuse or exploit us.

This is a sad fact, one I learned at the age of thirteen at a slumber party. Of the five girls present all but one of us had been sexually assaulted or abused in some way by a man she was supposed to trust. Again, I stress, I do not believe all men are predators or rapists. I don't. However, if I am to bear any responsibility in my own safety then I must acknowledge the fact someone I know or encounter may indeed be a predator.

Focusing back on the incident, what shocked me the most was the Magistrate's reaction. Here we see a woman in a position of power. She's adorned in a vestment we associate with power, a judge's robe. Yet, she acts powerless. Worse, she acts less than powerless.

While Ms. Contreras is bearing witness to what happened to her, pleading for someone to hear and help her, Magistrate Doninger literally turns her back and interacts with Ms. Contreras' child. It's in that moment where I feel a visceral response to the video.

Something inside of me breaks. I am not saying Magistrate Doninger should have bounded over the bench like some sort of Wonder Woman and wrestled Ms. Contreras away from the Marshal. (Though isn't that a nice fantasy?)

(We can dream right? -  Wonder Woman image DC comics)

However, she was in a position to act like a judge. At the very least she should have listened to Ms. Contreras! She should have known the arresting charge was bogus! She should have at least questioned Marshal Fox regarding the allegations! She could have called in another Marshal to talk with Ms. Contreras!

Instead she sat with her back turned and interacted with Ms. Contrersas’ daughter; a child who showed more bravery than the judge! After all, the toddler told the Marshals, "Don't take my Momma! Leave her alone!"

I have to wonder then why? Why didn't the judge react? Was she afraid of making "waves" with the Marshal's? Is there such a "good old boys" club in the Clark County Family Court she would have lost what station she had if she had interfered? Had she suffered her own abuse? Why? I don't know what the answer is; but it doesn't absolve her of inaction in her own courtroom.

Watching Magistrate Doninger, I am reminded of mothers who pretend not to notice anything is wrong while their new boyfriends/husbands abuse their sons or daughters.

I am reminded of the character Serena Joy from Margaret Atwood's "The Handmaiden's Tale"  who would stand by and participation in the degradation of other women in order to keep her own power and position.

I am reminded of the Michelle Bachmanns, Sarah Palins and your favorite blonde Fox News host who constantly pundit against women's rights for their own political power and financial gain. Ann Coulter, among others, has even argued that women shouldn't have the right to vote!

It is true that some women may be survivors of abuse. Some women may be indoctrinated so thoroughly in their place of subservience and powerlessness they do not know how to intervene or help. These women may literally have been taught to turn away in denial.

Yet, does that mean we absolve them when they have the opportunity and the means, the power, to take action?  Does that mean we do not hold them accountable?

In the video Ms. Contrersa cries out, "How can you watch this?"  The judge answers by turning her back.

In the video Ms. Contrersa's bravery, and that of her daughter, is there for the world to see. The Magistrate's cowardice is also there to see. From both we must learn. In this culture where women are objectified to sell everything from pulled pork sandwiches to web domains we must each do what we can to reclaim our status as more than a sexualized object.

We have to find the courage to heal, to support, stand up and call out when we see abuse. We do have that power; If we don't use it, then we abdicate it and are settling for whatever power someone else deigns to give us.

For the record, Magistrate Doninger was terminated two years after the incident, in June 2013.


However, since that day when she turned her back on Ms. Contrersa, Patricia Doninger had two more years to sit on the bench making decisions impacting the lives of women, children and men. Her dismissal was quiet and without comment.