The following are something things I've been carrying around in my heart for a long, long time now but a recent "offer" because I'm a "respected author" of a particular genre really has annoyed me this past week so I thought, what the heck, why not write about it?
My life didn't turn out the way I planned. Big surprise to most women, heck most people, huh? Life generally goes as it does and we can either deny reality or adjust.
I tried to adjust when it was taking too long to get through school and full secure enough for us to have kids... then it was simply too late and we were too happy with our adult only life to want to change things.
I tried to adjust when people I thought would be part of my household long term turned out to be liars or simply made economic choices that left us out of their futures.
I tried to adjust when the brilliance of the USA attitude resulted in less educational spending than our world competition as the economy went south in 2007 just as I was on the job market finally.
I tried to adjust when we realized that I needed more interactions than being a freelance author by volunteering for things that are important to me in education and the arts.
I tried to adjust as my partners went on to more stressful but higher paying jobs by taking on more responsibilities at home without becoming everyone's mom or maid and making sure we all work on domestic matters.
But there is something I simply cannot and will not adjust to: People's belief that I have nothing to do and therefore they can call on me last minute, assume the things I do for or with them are the only things I have to do, and in general acting like I don't need to plan things out.
How do people show me the above?
They refuse or are unwilling to give me the information I need to make plans.
(For the love of... this is probably my biggest pet peeve for not being respected. Want cookies for your event? Tell me how many! Want me to come and bring my books? Tell me realistically how many sales I can expect. Want me to speak to your group? Given a topic or feedback on my ideas so I am appropriated for the audience! Want me to come and have fun? Then let me know the place and time for goodness sakes not this general afternoon or evening crap!)
They call me out of the blue to just talk about nothing, often interrupting something I had planned.
(You know what is great for just shooting the breeze? Face-to-face chatting and email. The first is just part of hanging out; the second allows both people to chat when they can.)
They make assumptions that I can just show up with only 24 hours or less notice and act so put out when I have plans or simply want to be with my family.
(I realize that not everyone is a planner or can be a planner. See comments at the end for how I try to understand that but to be blunt, I often have to plan my freetime so I can do things "spontaneously.")
They can't seem to help put things away after we do something together -- leaving glasses, plates, napkins, etc. just laying around for me to pick up.
(When I visit someone. I always ask "where is your trash can" or "what should I do with this?" when I'm doing using something. If I'm a repeat visitor I'll learn this and not bother my host any more with these questions but I try to leave the space I've been invited into at least as good as when I left it if at all possible.)
They make comments about my not having a "real job" or that it must be so good to have so much free time.
(This is so easy to do! I've done it myself but it is still rude and annoying no matter who is doing it.)
They make me "promotional offers" that are really nothing more than an additional person for their event and expect me to do it for free or worse pay all my expenses even though I'm the "expert" they are asking for.
(I don't want to make money at conventions or lectures simply by having the event pay me. I know there are people out there who charge speaker's fees but I don't not simply because I'm only a tiny fish but because I find it a way to separate yourself from the communities I think you should feel part of, if you don't admit it is only a business for you. BUT I also am not wealthy, not even slightly, and if you want me to help you at an event because I'm published/smart/fun/whatever then help me cover my basic expenses.)
I consider the above attitudes and beliefs to be beyond rude and indeed downright insulting.
I'm a radical feminist, have been since before I was a teenager, and contrary to what neocons would have you believe, radical feminist has never degraded women who stayed at home to raise a family, take care of their house, did volunteer work, or were themselves engaged in the arts at home. The entire point of radical feminism was to empower the woman (and by extension her children and future generations of men and women) to have the freedom to make choices about life.
Let's be realistic. Choices are never completely free, never limitless. Being able to make a choice involves having information about what is possible and having the support to make the choice and pursue the outcome you hope for.
When you act like you don't need to plan things out, when you walk out of my life suddenly, or when you lie to me, you are denying me the ability to make a choice just as much as if a government agency decided to limit my right to vote or make a medical decision.
In fact when we do this to each other, when we act like we shouldn't care about other people's lives in our private interactions, then why are we surprised by public and government insults to us.
We don't all act the same, not all of us are planners or volunteers or can grasp that time isn't readily available to everyone else. But if you want to be with others, if you want to have your choices empowered, you better be willing to meet others halfway to how they do things or you may find yourself alone.
I try really hard to go halfway, to accept when plans don't work out, to adjust to life, to be realistic.
Sometimes I just have to say "I'm worth more" and demand the level of respect I try very hard to give to others.
Anyone else ever feel this way?
I'm betting you have, I'm betting you do, so please leave a comment and let me know.
