Easy to become a full-time author because I've always written. In my childhood scrapbook my mother created I have my earliest short story from just when I was barely able to write, not my telling about my summer but an actual fictional work. It was easy because even when I shouldn't have been writing I was constantly pulled into writing by my internal voices or Muses as artists like to say.
It was difficult to become a full-time writer because it pulled me out of society and away from people. I would have to make an effort to be around and with people. That can feel forced and artificial but I do try. But it was also very difficult because suddenly I would like immediate or even timely feedback. Furthermore income as a writer is spotting and since I'm not a professional writer in the sense that I'll write anything to get paid, I get paid far less often than I might.
Sometimes like this week I feel devalued, underappreciated, and wonder if any of this is worth my time. This is dangerous for me because I do have a history of suicidal thoughts. Of course that assumes you think having such thoughts is dangerous is that acting on them is wrong in the first place. I'm told it is wrong and dangerous but to be honest, I don't necessarily agree.
So this is what is going on recently that may be contributing to these feelings. Just so you know, I am aware of counters for each of these yet right now those counters feel more like lies to me that reality.
First I only have two conventions planned this year -- I've pulled back for economic and logistical reasons but this makes the few I have very important emotionally. I knew I wouldn't sale much at the last one without a new book I can physically sell but knowing didn't soften the emotional blow. The other convention is in September right before my birthday and if that doesn't go well it could be emotionally very dangerous in a way I'll agree is dangerous.
Third I've been sharing the betaed chapters of the first book in my next series and not getting much feedback though what I have gotten is helpful and the dialogue is good. I've got a gamma editor lined up to go over the entire thing to look for plot or character problems -- a step I've never taken before -- before I even send it to my literary agent. I'm sharing parts of myself and not getting much back until yesterday and today when suddenly a reader replies to five chapters... a bit too late for me to make any changes before my gamma has it, right?
Fourth I need to go through the last edits for this book chapter but I'm not feeling it even though they are probably nothing. Last time I heard none of the other chapters were in for the first edit so why should I bust myself to hurry? Why can't others be on the ball? Why do I have to be the reliable one? Why can't I be one of the reliable ones?
As often happens when I get angry that turns inward. There must be something wrong with me that lets people ignore me. What is it? I'm a dominant in charge lady in my house, I'm often the organizer of my friends and family when I was around them. What the hell is happening to me?
It makes me feel and think things that I'm told are bad and dangerous but that actually just makes me feel these things more strongly.
