Feeling Devalued -- Personal Demons or Reflection?

I'm a full-time writer now and that was both an easy and a difficult thing for me to do.

Easy to become a full-time author because I've always written.  In my childhood scrapbook my mother created I have my earliest short story from just when I was barely able to write, not my telling about my summer but an actual fictional work.  It was easy because even when I shouldn't have been writing I was constantly pulled into writing by my internal voices or Muses as artists like to say.

It was difficult to become a full-time writer  because it pulled me out of society and away from people.  I would have to make an effort to be around and with people.  That can feel forced and artificial but I do try.  But it was also very difficult because suddenly I would like immediate or even timely feedback.  Furthermore income as a writer is spotting and since I'm not a professional writer in the sense that I'll write anything to get paid, I get paid far less often than I might.

Sometimes like this week I feel devalued, underappreciated, and wonder if any of this is worth my time.  This is dangerous for me because I do have a history of suicidal thoughts. Of course that assumes you think having such thoughts is dangerous is that acting on them is wrong in the first place.  I'm told it is wrong and dangerous but to be honest, I don't necessarily agree.

So this is what is going on recently that may be contributing to these feelings.  Just so you know, I am aware of counters for each of these yet right now those counters feel more like lies to me that reality.

First I only have two conventions planned this year -- I've pulled back for economic and logistical reasons but this makes the few I have very important emotionally. I knew I wouldn't sale much at the last one without a new book I can physically sell but knowing didn't soften the emotional blow.  The other convention is in September right before my birthday and if that doesn't go well it could be emotionally very dangerous in a way I'll agree is dangerous.

Second even though I've recently marked a big milestone on The Chocolate Cult I've gotten only one comment on this on the blog itself and little feedback elsewhere.  What is the point of going through all the steps I do when no one cares enough to just say "this is awesome" or "I'm glad I stopped in to read today" or a similar thought.  Whenever I read something online I always leave a note of some type because I know how lonely it can be.

Third I've been sharing the betaed chapters of the first book in my next series and not getting much feedback though what I have gotten is helpful and the dialogue is good.  I've got a gamma editor lined up to go over the entire thing to look for plot or character problems -- a step I've never taken before -- before I even send it to my literary agent.  I'm sharing parts of myself and not getting much back until yesterday and today when suddenly a reader replies to five chapters... a bit too late for me to make any changes before my gamma has it, right?

Fourth I need to go through the last edits for this book chapter but I'm not feeling it even though they are probably nothing.  Last time I heard none of the other chapters were in for the first edit so why should I bust myself to hurry? Why can't others be on the ball? Why do I have to be the reliable one? Why can't I be one of the reliable ones?

Finally the last book in my trilogy came out and while I got kudos for the announcement the vast majority of my attempts to do any real promo stuff such as find reviewers has been met with silence.  I've seen my announcement shared once and yet every other day I'm sharing similar announcements from other writers and artists -- this feels very unfair to me and it is making me angry.

As often happens when I get angry that turns inward.  There must be something wrong with me that lets people ignore me.  What is it? I'm a dominant in charge lady in my house, I'm often the organizer of my friends and family when I was around them.  What the hell is happening to me?

It makes me feel and think things that I'm told are bad and dangerous but that actually just makes me feel these things more strongly.

Self-Compassion

Cerise writes:  

            You surely have heard the saying “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  This usually means something along the lines of “Be nice to other people.”  But I know that far too many people, women especially, are much harder on themselves than they are on others.  Whether it is impossible expectations, self-talk, or even never taking a minute for oneself, we can be so unkind to ourselves!  I, myself, am certainly guilty of treating myself in ways I would never, ever treat a friend or, for that matter, a total stranger. 

            If I drop something, I say I am “stupid, clumsy!” and I am lucky if I stop there.  Do you say this?  Do you think this way?  If you saw a total stranger trying to carry too much and she dropped one thing, would you yell at her “Hey, stupid!  You’re a klutz!”  Well, I certainly hope you wouldn’t.  But do you do it to yourself, silently or even out loud?  Well, stop that! 

            It’s not just hurtful self-talk that I am thinking of.  We do things to ourselves we would not do to another person, either.  Do you make yourself skip meals because you are too fat, or just too busy?  Would you ever deprive another person of a decent meal for the same reasons?  Then why are you doing it to yourself? 

            If you make a silly mistake, forgetting to pick up milk for example, do you hit yourself on the forehead, even in jest?  Would you actually walk up to another person and slap them on the head if they tried to do too many things all at once and forgot one little detail?  Then don’t do it to yourself!  When you say or do things like the forehead slap, you are belittling yourself in a totally unacceptable way.  And you are sending the message to yourself that it is okay to let other people treat you that badly, too.  I certainly hope no one ever hits you, dear reader, but they might pick up on the idea that it is okay to devalue you when they see you doing it first. 

            If you are waiting for someone else to make you feel better about yourself, to make you stop wanting to insult yourself, you better not hold your breath, sweetie.  This is not a fairy tale, there is no Prince Charming.  You need to do the job of taking care of yourself.  It is not okay to be your own worst critic.  If you aren’t nice to yourself, do you really think anyone else will be?  You need to stop putting yourself down, even in jest.  You need to be nice to yourself.  Think before you hurt yourself, no one deserves to be treated that way.  Not by anyone.  Not even you. 

A Few Self-Care ideas

1        1.  Pay yourself a compliment.  Sincerely.  Maybe say it out loud.  Maybe more than once. 

    

          2.  Take ten minutes to do whatever you want to do.  Not what you should do, but whatever you feel like doing.  If you never do this, it might take a bit of thinking to connect with yourself and discover what you really would like to be doing right now.

          3.   Wear something that accents your best feature.  That means you have to actually know your best feature.  If you have trouble with this, then you really need to do it!