Are Women Our Worst Enemies? Essay #1

Earlier this week one of my co-authors spoke up about enabling violence and sexism and I want to continue that theme by starting a series of posts.  In my life as a female human being, my decades as a feminist, and my decade plus worth of teaching and sexuality activism, I have often felt that men are not the biggest problem I face but that other women just might be.  Oh, I'm a firm believer that patriarchy is a huge problem even if it is very way to organize societies across time around the plant but is it promoted mainly by men for men?  This is something I've thought about and researched well before I was even in college because of things in my own family and hometown life.  This is a topic I imagine I will return to repeatedly thus the "Essay #1" in the title.  This particular tackling of the topic was prompted by this blog post from Arden Leigh on how she was treated by other female authors simply because she doesn't believe either in their "Rules" or necessarily monogamy.



What really struck me in Leigh's post is that it was other women who attacked her and tried to make her feel bad about her views and experiences.  In her post she points out that the men in the discussion she is talking about either said nothing or very little and then were not attacking her while these two other women aggressively and repeatedly went after her.  Leigh calls this "slut-shaming" but I want to point out that this may not be the best term to use in this case.

Yes, the authors of "The Rules" who were attacking her were attacking her sexuality and were trying to equate her to a "slut" however I see evidence in Leigh's post that they made her feel bad about her sexuality or made her think of herself as a "slut" -- thus the attack was unsuccessful so she wasn't "slut-shamed" so much as annoyed a great deal.  When we use terms like "slut-shaming" I feel we imply that the person attacked is made to feel ashamed when really what we mean is that the attacker wanted them to feel ashamed.  Subtle difference, I know, but an important difference I believe.  I live my life by the following mantra "Do not do things you would be ashamed of doing" and it has served me well for many, many years; I'll talk more about this later as well.



What then caused these two authors to attack?  Was it an attempt to promote their book?  Have they read their own book?  Aren't they being too aggressive as women, shouldn't they just let the men around them be the active ones while they use passive aggressive behavior and suggestions?

Or maybe they feel ashamed themselves?  Ashamed of what?  Of the fact that they've made sexuality choices they are unhappy with but didn't realize they had options?  Did they start to feel ashamed after they started the attack and then just kept going to cover their feelings?

Or perhaps it isn't feeling ashamed but feeling jealous?  Jealous of what?  That another woman was asked to this discussion?  That she is younger?  Perhaps they feel she's sells more books or might? Or are they jealous that this other woman is able to reject the stereotypical sexuality of women and be happy?

Some of these reasons are generic and reflect an idea that there is limited wealth and limited attention in the world.  Others are more gender role specific reflecting that women must compete with other women for... everything... but that they shouldn't compete with men.  That's an idea I'll get back to at a later date.

In the end Arden Leigh's experience touched me as an author and a woman who finds that other women tend to be roadblocks to my life more often than men at least on a non-governmental or institutional level.  Government and institutional sexism and violence is overwhelming promoted by some men and a few women but I'll discuss the dynamic of oppression at a later date and repeatedly I'm sure.

Women will continue to struggle internally and with the world around us as long as we continue to attack other women for thinking or acting in ways that we don't personally agree with. We do not help ourselves or each other when we do this but instead allow continued institutional biases that harm the entire world by breaking us apart into categories that compete without regard for what is best for the human species or for the planet.  The day that women stop attacking each other and start supporting each other is the day the world will actually start to heal and begin that journey down the road to whatever our true potential is as human beings not as a sex or a gender or a race or a religion or an economic group.

You want to help get to that full potential day?  Start speaking up when you see women belittle each other whether you are women or men.  Do not be afraid to stand up because if I do it, and you do, then your sister will start doing it, your friends will start doing it, then your neighbors, then your city, then your nation, then the world.

See you next Friday and go have a piece of good chocolate this weekend!

Free the Boobs!

Cerise writes:  

            It has been over ninety degrees this week, so I feel this post is especially timely.  I won’t mince words:  I hate bras.  Now, I don’t have a problem if you want to wear them, collect them, or decorate them.  I just don’t want to wear one.  And some people have a big problem with that.  Especially since I am a 46 DD.  But, you see, I feel very strongly that I should be free to go braless, regardless of my size and shape. 

            Why would anyone else care whether or not I wear a bra?  I think I missed the day in school where they explained why women’s bodies should be subject to the control of others.  Because I totally don’t see why that should be the case.  Now, I admit, going braless is not as big a deal as, for example, being able to choose birth control, but I do think it is symptomatic of some rather awful things going on in our society. 

            One of these awful things is called “slut shaming.”  This is the pressure put on women to tamp down their sexuality, shut their mouths, and generally conform to the patriarchy.  If you embrace your sexuality, speak your mind, or rebel against traditional gender roles, you must be a slut.  And, apparently, being a slut is bad.  It means you deserve to be raped, beaten, or even murdered.  That you asked for it.  This slut shaming says “Well, of course she was raped.  She was alone.  In a bad neighborhood.  And she was dressed sexy.”  WTF?!?  I think a woman should be able to saunter down a dark alley at 2 am stark naked and the only thing anyone should say to her is, possibly, “Are you cold?  Would you like to borrow my jacket?”  Slut shaming not only denies women the right to flaunt their sexuality, it also robs them of their voice.  It says that if you are a slut, you don’t deserve to be heard. 

            So, does skipping the bra make you a slut?  Silly me, I think that how you dress has nothing to do with your sexual behavior.  I think they are two totally different things.  I think that they are both NO ONE ELSE’S BUSINESS.  And, really, even if going without a bra did make you a slut, who cares?  If you want to be sexually promiscuous with other consenting adults, that’s none of my business.  If you think that running around with my boobs free makes me a slut, I really don’t care.  That is a matter for me and my sexual partners. 

Oh, you think that my braless state implies that I am sexually available to you?  Um, no.  If you are the type of person who would think less of me because of my underwear choices, then I really don’t think I would ever be interested in engaging in any type of sexual activity with you.  No, not even if you look like George Clooney or Olivia Wilde.  You are definitely not my type, sweetheart. 

Equal Opportunity Gratuitousness, Olivia Wilde

Gratuitous George Clooney Picture

Perhaps you think my husband should tell me to cover myself?  Or that he might be embarrassed by my boob bouncing ways?  Allow me to digress with a little story.  A friend of mine wears hijab, the head scarf worn by some Muslim women.  She has worn it for years and has an assortment of cute, fashionable scarves to match various outfits.  Her husband gently suggested that, at least while they lived in the US for grad school, she might consider skipping the head scarf.  She was nonplused and asked him why.  He said that people might think he was oppressing her and that her choice to cover her head might make him look bad.  She snorted at him and gave him her unconditional answer:  “My head, my business.”  Being a smart man, he never brought up the matter again.  And, yes, my husband is also a smart man and he would never try to tell me how to dress.

Won’t men be distracted, though?  Even uncomfortably aroused, if they have to see my braless breasts?  How will they take me seriously at work, or even pay any attention to anything I have to say, if my breasts are just hanging out there, flaunting themselves?  Well, I do wear a shirt, for crying out loud.  It’s not as if the actual bare flesh is showing.  Also, breasts do not exist for the visual consumption and enjoyment of men.  Last time I checked, they were baby feeding devices.  The sexualization of the breast is just something our culture teaches.  If thinking of breasts as sexy is something you can learn, then you can just bloody well unlearn it. Or at least learn to contain your wildly rampaging sexual thoughts in the presence of my braless mammary glands. 

But they are so distracting, those oversized sweat glands.  Yeah, so is parsley stuck between someone’s teeth.  Or blue hair.  Or really cute skull-shaped rhinestone earrings.  But you know what?  Get over it.  They’re just tits.  Half of the world’s population has them. They’re everywhere!  Can’t you learn to think about something else?  Like, just maybe, what I am saying to you?  If you can’t, it really is your problem and not mine.   If you cannot control your body (and your brain), you have a serious problem.  Do you pounce on every bacon cheeseburger that goes by, even if it belongs to someone else?  Do you get out of your car and punch the driver who cut you off in traffic?  Do you scream at the radio when you disagree with the political commentary?  (Oh, wait, I do that sometimes.  Bad example.)  No, you control yourself.  You rein in your id and suck it up.  Because you are an adult human being. 

If it is my job to hide everything that might cause some man, somewhere, to think about sex, I am going to need to buy a tent.  Should I cover my ankles because some men have a thing for that body part?  Or maybe I should wear a veil to hide my lips, which are a much more erotic body part than breasts?  Or cover my hands?  Really?  Because that argument leads to a slippery slope that ends in wearing a burka.  And, even then, some man somewhere will find something to be aroused by.  There is a long tradition of poetry in the Arab world that glorifies things like a woman’s graceful walk, her delicate footprints, the whiff of her perfume—all things that are exposed by even the most concealing clothing.  Oh, perhaps I should just stay indoors, where no man might see me or even smell me, so I don’t risk arousing a man.  Otherwise, I am just asking to be raped.  Wait, where is the SarcMark on this keyboard? 

Disclaimer:  I don’t really think that all men have a problem with braless, outspoken women.  I hold up the generic “men” because they are cited by those who think I should wear a bra.  What will “men” think of you?  How will “men” handle it?   These imaginary ravening beasts fortunately do not represent most males of my acquaintance.  Thank heavens. 

Next time it is my turn to post, I plan to address droopy boobs and public breast feeding.  No, all my posts will not be about tits, I promise.