Too Easy to Use Violence

The Good Men Project recently had an article by Joseph Kerr that really made me reflect on domestic violence and the ease with which we can turn violent against those we love.  This is not a new topic for me, I had an article in the book you can see in the image to the right about this same topic.  Let me be clear that the book to the right is not about abuse, it is about BDSM, however I and one other author talked about the line between the sexuality and kink versus domestic violence and abuse.  I recall that my even writing about it shocked people but I was and am grateful that Laura Antoniou included it because it was honest.  But I wrote that years ago and I wanted to update my thoughts and life on this subject.

Domestic violence and abuse are often portrayed as male on female transgressions.  It is true that the majority of reported domestic and dating violence is male on female.  However this ignores several cultural facts such as abuse is not only sexual or physical and that when men or boys are the victims even of male on male violence they are often hesitate to report it let alone if their attacker is female.  

None of what I'm saying is to belittle the violence against women and girls; I'm a survivor myself.  But since I have been down that road into becoming the abuser until I learned to get control of myself and deal with my past I have empathy in all directions on the topic of violence.  I also have a partner who was abused as a young teen and a child and have known other male survivors so I have partner empathy, too.

It is easy to forget that violence happens against men when the abuser is female because it goes against a lot of our cultural messages... or does it?

Anyone reading this not know about the "Blurred Lines" video from Robin Thicke that was called out for sexist and threats of violence against women?   Much has been written about it that I don't want to repeat but there have also been a string of parodies ranging from even more sexist to reverse-sexist and everything in between.  Parody can be a wonderful political and social tool but only if the reader/watcher understands the problem you are commenting upon and can be encouraged to think a bit differently about it.

On Huffington Post this parody was called "feminist" and I want to comment on it as a feminist who believes that all violence – against kids, women, men, etc – needs to be questioned at the very least and ideally stopped.  I've included the video below so you can see it before reading my comments.


Many, many parts of this video I think are great parody ranging from the dancers and their behaviors to the singers and theirs.  There are also powerful social and political statements about the law which is would I would expect from the people who put this out.  However there are also lyric about castration and I have to wonder why they were necessary.  Yes, I agree that the original video had some violent lines and actions as well but does that make it acceptable for this parody to mention violence?

Violence against men by women is often shown as amusing or justified on TV, in movies, books, and in other mass media.  If you are defending yourself most of us would say that you may have to do something violent but not all of these acts against men that we are shown over and over are defense.

It is more rare for violence against men by women to get serious play but it does happen.  The first serious treatment I saw on the subject was in the 1993 TV movie Men Don't Tell starring Peter Strauss and Judith Light.  The exact same questions are asked in this film as in the Joseph Kerry article.

It is correct to say that the fact that we are covering the same points indicates we have made little in terms of social, cultural, and personal development when it comes to domestic violence.  The same is true for male on female violence given the need for continued legal actions and parodies of sexist attitudes and behaviors.

That's the real problem here – violence is accepted by us.

Accepting it makes it too easy for anyone to use.

The real change comes inside of each of us – female or male – when we work on pausing for just a second or two when we feel the things that encourage us to act in violence.  That's an ongoing fight given what we see and hear around us, it is even more challenging if you have survived violence yourself.

It's a challenge I consciously decided to take on years ago and I'm still fighting today.

I hope you'll also accept this challenge.