An Introduction to the Church of the Free Boobs

Cerise expands on a previous post:

The Church of the Free Boobs

This new, universal Church is hereby established to further the acceptance and appreciation of unbound, braless breasts, in all their shapes, sizes, and forms.  The need for such a denomination is abundantly clear.  Not only are braless breasts maligned in the media, but braless women are attacked verbally and physically without cause or provocation.  Natural breasts are unappreciated, mocked, and abused.  This Church will offer a refuge and support for those who suffer from this abuse, and will espouse the cause of self-acceptance to all the world. 

Sacraments of the Church

1.     The sacrament with which neophytes should first acquaint themselves is the Revelation.  This is the actual removal of a bra from previously oppressed breasts.  For many postulants, this sacrament will be needed daily, as the wearing of bras is all too common in this tarnished world.  The Revelation may be performed alone or with the assistance of another member of the Church.  Sighing and singing generally follow the Revelation, but are not actually required. 

2.     It is a widespread misconception that the Burning of Bras is the principal rite of the Church.  This is not true.  Burning was never common, but its theatrical nature attracted much notice, unfortunately eclipsing many of the other activities of the Church.  Today this ritual is primarily observed for its historical significance, in honor or our courageous foremothers.  The Burning of Bras should only be performed carefully, with due regard for safety and environmental correctness, and on rare occasions.  Burning is not forbidden, but is not encouraged.  Many bras can be recycled, either to perform their original function or to serve other purposes (slingshots, kitten hammocks, skullcaps, etc.)  Paper effigies of bras may be burnt to prevent waste and avoid expense. 

3.     One of the highest sacraments of this Church is celebrated in dance.  Dance has long been associated with the sacred feminine and with the expression of ecstatic emotion.  As such, it is particularly suited to the rituals of our Church.  The particular sacrament performed during the liturgical dance is sometimes called the Shoulder Shimmy.  Although the sacrament appears to be centered on the breasts, the dancer will soon learn that the movement begins with the shoulders and is then divinely manifested in the breasts.  It is not necessary for this sacrament to be performed in the nude, although bralessness is encouraged. 

4.     Another sacrament dear to the maternal, nurturing heart of this Church is often maligned and attacked by the less enlightened.  This sacrament is the nursing of a child.  For obvious reasons, some members of the Church may never have the opportunity to perform this sacrament, but they can support and assist in the ritual by such actions as fetching drinks and pillows for the celebrant.  This sacrament may be performed in any and all places where there is a nursing mother and child present, and is protected by law.  Do not allow anyone to intimidate you or others in the celebration of this sacrament!  It is to be embraced and respected, not hidden.    

5.     A less well-known, but no less sacred, ritual is generally performed in private rather than public.  This is the rite of Self-Acceptance.  It varies with the needs of the individual celebrant, but it may include going naked, looking in the mirror, and positive self-talk.  Wearing perfume, jewelry and body paint may enhance the experience.  The neophyte is encouraged to embrace this ritual as the first step toward enlightened freedom. 

Clarifications

Breasts are defined as the area on the frontal side of the ribs.  There is no limitation on gender, sex, or size.  All breasts are welcome in this church, male or female, and all are equally beautiful.  No breasts are privileged above any others. 

The wearing of bras is not forbidden by the Church.  However, the requirement that bras be worn is anathema to the Church and violates the very principles upon which it is founded.  If breasts of all shapes and sizes are accepted as equal, then perky, firm, or motionless breasts are in no way to be favored over saggy, jiggly, or braless breasts.  It is a firm belief of this church that what you wear under your clothes is a personal decision and must remain your choice.  That choice is far more important than any shred of lace or scrap of elastic. 

It is important to remember that many members of the human race are not as enlightened as the members of our Faith.  Their ignorance should be met with patient forbearance.  For instance, if an ill-informed woman maligns the state of her own breasts, she might benefit from a patient statement of the core beliefs of this Church, but she should not be attacked just because she is not as far along the path to Enlightenment as some others might be.  Of course, those who attempt to interfere with the lawful and proper practice of any religious beliefs, including those of this Church, should be either ignored, scolded, or sued, as appropriate.  The Church does not encourage physical violence.  Two wrongs do not make a right, and winning a large settlement is so much more satisfying, anyway.