Are Women Our Worst Enemies? Essay #1

Earlier this week one of my co-authors spoke up about enabling violence and sexism and I want to continue that theme by starting a series of posts.  In my life as a female human being, my decades as a feminist, and my decade plus worth of teaching and sexuality activism, I have often felt that men are not the biggest problem I face but that other women just might be.  Oh, I'm a firm believer that patriarchy is a huge problem even if it is very way to organize societies across time around the plant but is it promoted mainly by men for men?  This is something I've thought about and researched well before I was even in college because of things in my own family and hometown life.  This is a topic I imagine I will return to repeatedly thus the "Essay #1" in the title.  This particular tackling of the topic was prompted by this blog post from Arden Leigh on how she was treated by other female authors simply because she doesn't believe either in their "Rules" or necessarily monogamy.



What really struck me in Leigh's post is that it was other women who attacked her and tried to make her feel bad about her views and experiences.  In her post she points out that the men in the discussion she is talking about either said nothing or very little and then were not attacking her while these two other women aggressively and repeatedly went after her.  Leigh calls this "slut-shaming" but I want to point out that this may not be the best term to use in this case.

Yes, the authors of "The Rules" who were attacking her were attacking her sexuality and were trying to equate her to a "slut" however I see evidence in Leigh's post that they made her feel bad about her sexuality or made her think of herself as a "slut" -- thus the attack was unsuccessful so she wasn't "slut-shamed" so much as annoyed a great deal.  When we use terms like "slut-shaming" I feel we imply that the person attacked is made to feel ashamed when really what we mean is that the attacker wanted them to feel ashamed.  Subtle difference, I know, but an important difference I believe.  I live my life by the following mantra "Do not do things you would be ashamed of doing" and it has served me well for many, many years; I'll talk more about this later as well.



What then caused these two authors to attack?  Was it an attempt to promote their book?  Have they read their own book?  Aren't they being too aggressive as women, shouldn't they just let the men around them be the active ones while they use passive aggressive behavior and suggestions?

Or maybe they feel ashamed themselves?  Ashamed of what?  Of the fact that they've made sexuality choices they are unhappy with but didn't realize they had options?  Did they start to feel ashamed after they started the attack and then just kept going to cover their feelings?

Or perhaps it isn't feeling ashamed but feeling jealous?  Jealous of what?  That another woman was asked to this discussion?  That she is younger?  Perhaps they feel she's sells more books or might? Or are they jealous that this other woman is able to reject the stereotypical sexuality of women and be happy?

Some of these reasons are generic and reflect an idea that there is limited wealth and limited attention in the world.  Others are more gender role specific reflecting that women must compete with other women for... everything... but that they shouldn't compete with men.  That's an idea I'll get back to at a later date.

In the end Arden Leigh's experience touched me as an author and a woman who finds that other women tend to be roadblocks to my life more often than men at least on a non-governmental or institutional level.  Government and institutional sexism and violence is overwhelming promoted by some men and a few women but I'll discuss the dynamic of oppression at a later date and repeatedly I'm sure.

Women will continue to struggle internally and with the world around us as long as we continue to attack other women for thinking or acting in ways that we don't personally agree with. We do not help ourselves or each other when we do this but instead allow continued institutional biases that harm the entire world by breaking us apart into categories that compete without regard for what is best for the human species or for the planet.  The day that women stop attacking each other and start supporting each other is the day the world will actually start to heal and begin that journey down the road to whatever our true potential is as human beings not as a sex or a gender or a race or a religion or an economic group.

You want to help get to that full potential day?  Start speaking up when you see women belittle each other whether you are women or men.  Do not be afraid to stand up because if I do it, and you do, then your sister will start doing it, your friends will start doing it, then your neighbors, then your city, then your nation, then the world.

See you next Friday and go have a piece of good chocolate this weekend!