Respect

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Find out what it means to me. 

Respect really does mean different things to different people.  To some groups, re-tweeting someone’s clever comment is a way to show you value and respect their opinion.  To others, respect might be shown in your attire or your body language.  There are generational differences in showing respect and I fear these differences are contributing in a breakdown in mutual understanding between generations. 

As a professor at a community college, I get to see plenty of disrespectful behavior.  It is largely up to me to decide what behavior I will ignore, what I will tolerate, and what I will do about the rest of it.  If students wear pajamas or come to class with uncombed hair, I ignore it.  But it is hard for me to avoid judging them, I admit.  It seems to me that dressing like that says they don’t want to be there, they are too busy for this class, they don’t think the class is important, and they don’t care what I think of them.  They are not showing respect, as I define it.  This is not a behavior I try to change because I have bigger fish to fry.  But I wonder if the students even know they are showing disrespect?  I am sure they would say they didn’t mean to, and that clothes don’t matter.   They are just outward things.  What should matter is how they do on the test.  Well, trust me, the students who can’t get cleaned up for class generally can’t get their act together to do well on the tests, although there are a few exceptions. 

If these students really don’t know how to dress for class and what messages they are sending when they fail to do so, how will they show respect when they WANT to do so?  By wearing flip flops to the White House?  If they need to go to a funeral, the most serious and formal of events in our culture, will they know what to wear?  Or how to act?  Will they know how to show respect when they actually want to be respectful?  I have a sinking feeling they won’t.  My husband recently attended a memorial service where other people wore jeans.  (And, no, they were not the ones digging the grave.)  Jeans, people?  Really?  What does that say about your attitude toward the bereaved?  I think it says: “I care enough to show up, but not enough to dust off my one suit and suck in my gut long enough to be respectful of the solemnity of this occasion.  Oh, and I’m going out for beer and wings afterwards.”  If this isn’t the message you want to send, then wear something else.  What message would wearing a dark suit or dress send?  Something like “I care a lot about your loss and your feelings.  I am willing to go to the small trouble of dressing myself properly as a token of my esteem for the life that has ended and for your religious traditions.  I know how to behave and don’t want to draw attention to myself on this serious occasion.” 

What about weddings?  These are much less solemn events, but they can be just about as formal.  People clearly do not know how to dress for these, either.  We won’t even get into the whole wearing tuxedos before 5 pm thing.  I mean stuff like wearing white when you are not the bride.  To me, and I think to the bride, too, it says “I don’t care that this is the most special day of your life up to this point.  I don’t care about your feelings or about it being your day to shine.  I want to wear whatever the hell I want and get all the attention that should be rightfully yours.  Screw you!”  Okay, this may not be the message you mean to send, but I can just about guarantee that it is the message the bride will be getting.  Maybe this is why I am still slightly pissed off that my mother-in-law to be wore off white to my wedding.  I still think she doesn’t like me very much, and her suit that day really didn’t help to change my mind. 

Why are clothes so important?  They are the first and loudest message you can send to someone.  But there are other ways to show respect and disrespect, too.  I recently performed at a school carnival with my dance troupe.  Some of the audience members were amazingly rude.  Two people in the middle of the front row texted on their phones the entire time.  Somehow, I doubt they were texting “OMG!  Awesome belly dancing going on!”  And even if they were, their behavior was still inappropriate.  Watching a live dancer or musician is not the same as watching TV.  It puts some responsibilities on you.  You are supposed to look at the performer, not at a tiny screen.  You are supposed to look like you are enjoying yourself, not like you are a brain dead zombie.  You are required to clap politely or wildly, depending on your inclination.  In certain forms of dance and music you are expected to yell, hoot, nod, keep time, or throw money.  If you want to attend these events, do what you are supposed to do.  If you want to pick your nose (I swear I am not making this up) or play Candy Crush on your phone, stay home and watch TV. 

Oh, you ARE paying attention to the performers?  You just don’t look like you are?  Tough cookies, people.  It is part of your job as an audience member to look like you are paying attention.  Yep, you have a duty as a participant in the live performance.  That’s part of the deal.  Even clapping is not enough. 

I had the pleasure of going to a ballet performance at IU this past weekend, too.  I was mostly impressed with the attire and behavior of the audience, which included small children and quite a few high school and college students.  Most of them were dressed up and clapped with great enthusiasm.  Of course, a few people played with their phones while the performance was going on.  Trust me, people, the WHOLE cast can see your glowing screen and it IS hurting their feelings. 

Earlier that same day, one member of my dance troupe was so upset by the rude audience that she could hardly finish the performance.  We scrapped the audience participation part of our program because we were so pissed off.  This audience wasn’t willing to put on the effort to look at us, why would we think they would be willing to get up and dance with us?  Think how much worse it would feel to be on stage, busting your butt for these people, and to look out at the darkened theater to see 5 or 6 glowing screens because they are so bored they can’t stand to wait 5 minutes to screw around on their phones! 

I cannot swear to it, but I kind of have a sinking suspicion that the people who were at the ballet and wearing short-short denim cut offs and flannel shirts with holes were the same people who were texting during the performance.  Because their clothes said “I don’t give a shit about the performance or the performers.”  And their phones did, too. 

Is it any wonder I don’t let my students use their phones in my class?