Easy to become a full-time author because I've always written. In my childhood scrapbook my mother created I have my earliest short story from just when I was barely able to write, not my telling about my summer but an actual fictional work. It was easy because even when I shouldn't have been writing I was constantly pulled into writing by my internal voices or Muses as artists like to say.
It was difficult to become a full-time writer because it pulled me out of society and away from people. I would have to make an effort to be around and with people. That can feel forced and artificial but I do try. But it was also very difficult because suddenly I would like immediate or even timely feedback. Furthermore income as a writer is spotting and since I'm not a professional writer in the sense that I'll write anything to get paid, I get paid far less often than I might.
Sometimes like this week I feel devalued, underappreciated, and wonder if any of this is worth my time. This is dangerous for me because I do have a history of suicidal thoughts. Of course that assumes you think having such thoughts is dangerous is that acting on them is wrong in the first place. I'm told it is wrong and dangerous but to be honest, I don't necessarily agree.
So this is what is going on recently that may be contributing to these feelings. Just so you know, I am aware of counters for each of these yet right now those counters feel more like lies to me that reality.
First I only have two conventions planned this year -- I've pulled back for economic and logistical reasons but this makes the few I have very important emotionally. I knew I wouldn't sale much at the last one without a new book I can physically sell but knowing didn't soften the emotional blow. The other convention is in September right before my birthday and if that doesn't go well it could be emotionally very dangerous in a way I'll agree is dangerous.
Third I've been sharing the betaed chapters of the first book in my next series and not getting much feedback though what I have gotten is helpful and the dialogue is good. I've got a gamma editor lined up to go over the entire thing to look for plot or character problems -- a step I've never taken before -- before I even send it to my literary agent. I'm sharing parts of myself and not getting much back until yesterday and today when suddenly a reader replies to five chapters... a bit too late for me to make any changes before my gamma has it, right?
Fourth I need to go through the last edits for this book chapter but I'm not feeling it even though they are probably nothing. Last time I heard none of the other chapters were in for the first edit so why should I bust myself to hurry? Why can't others be on the ball? Why do I have to be the reliable one? Why can't I be one of the reliable ones?
As often happens when I get angry that turns inward. There must be something wrong with me that lets people ignore me. What is it? I'm a dominant in charge lady in my house, I'm often the organizer of my friends and family when I was around them. What the hell is happening to me?
It makes me feel and think things that I'm told are bad and dangerous but that actually just makes me feel these things more strongly.
aww sweetie. I know it can be discouraging; I've felt the same way before. But I believe this to be true, if what you are doing is making you happy, then it is definitely worth your time. The lack of communication from others could have nothing to do with you. I'm so guilty of just flipping through blogs and not leaving a comment. Or getting caught in my own world and head. I'm working on that part of myself. Sending you much peace and love my friend. <3
ReplyDeleteand one more thing, remember in everything there are ebbs and flows....
ReplyDeleteThank you, Gina. Knowing all these things plus what you say in theory should help yet somehow doesn't. I know my father has clinical depression so I sometimes wonder if I have a touch of that just not severe.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Gina. The lack of response might have nothing to do with you. It certainly can't be because no one is reading and enjoying what you write! I know I have been guilty of not giving feedback, especially lately, when my health issues have been so prominent in my life. I think other people dream of being writers, so they think the life of a writer is lovely and perfect, and they forget you need feedback and support just like everyone else does.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cerise. Writing is a very lonely profession and I knew that, normally I can just spend time with friends and family and that is enough but sometimes it isn't. Wish I knew when or what triggers that difference.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the earlier comments. Lack of feedback may have less to do with you and more to do with the readers. You show up and do the work, TammyJo. That should never be understated. YOur work is appreciated and valued. You have fans - I've met them. You've sold books. You work hard at your craft.
ReplyDeleteSuffering from Depression is another issue. Depression can make one tunnel visioned. I think it can create a false reality and our perceptions become limited to what we can see and hear to what's with in that narrow tunnel. With Depression we often need help to find our way out to gain a more accurate view.
Please be wary of how you value your work and yourself while depressed. *hugs*
Thank you, Prosey Rose. I hesitate to say "depression" because the folks I know who are clinically depressed can feel that way for months and sometimes years. Normally when this hits it only lasts a week or two for me depending on other things.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually feeling a bit better today; got 12 pages revised.